The mere fact that you are reading this post 19 days after my last one should tell you all you need to know about my failure to meet my goals as a poker player this month. I don't play enough and I stink when I do play. I've paradoxically managed to take myself too seriously while not taking poker seriously enough. By that I mean, I managed to not put the proper effort or study into my game while at the same time being so arrogant and egotistical as to blow up whenever I lost or took a beat.

"In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities; in the expert's mind there are few." -Shunryu Suzuki, Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind

I have a feeling as to why "beginner's luck" exists, not to mention why we all struggle in the middle stages of our development. To summarize it as best I can, a beginner doesn't know all the things we do about pot odds and hand ranges and thinking in multiple streets or whatever, but, paradoxically, his lack of knowledge gives him a certain advantage: it is much easier for him to see clearly what is going on at the tables, whereas we are often weighed down by the factors we are used to considering and calculations that are going on in our head, sometimes involuntarily. The beginner has a much easier time saying "Do I have the best hand? If so, I call/raise; if not, I fold." The expert, meanwhie, is sitting there considering pot odds and ranges and the like-- if he's even engaged in the hand and not dealing with something at one of his other online tables-- and in doing so is probably missing some key piece of information that would give him actual information about the actual opponent he's playing, rather than the hypothetical, theoretical opponent in his head, the one he's performing all these calculations against.

Now, developing these skills is a necessity for long-term success. However, the ability to have the fundamental tools of a poker player down pat, while still having the clarity of perception that a beginner has... that's the key. Keeping the mind relaxed and focused so it can accurately assess the situation and use all the tools available to it.

It's so easy to fall into rote or routine methods of play once you've been playing long enough. It's hard to genuinely play well and do things outside the box. But if it were easy, anyone could do it. If it didn't take courage and skill and talent and work to be a successful poker player, any asshole could make money at this game (and often, they do, as I've quite well proven). The fact is, in my case, I simply haven't dedicated enough time and study to the game as of late. I'm never again going to be reading nonstop, eating, sleeping, and breathing poker like I did in the first half of 2006-- I've simply got too much else going on for that. But I still waste plenty of time, and if I spent that time working on my game instead of wasting it, I would bear greater fruit from the time I spent playing.

Anyway, I'm back to re-evaluating what I should be playing right now. I'm probably going to start searching for softer cash games again, since the ones I'm playing now have not been fruitful. I may spend some time tournament grinding, especially with the FTOPS coming up; if I get in touch with enough people and raise the backing to go out to L.A., so much the better-- live tournaments are really my best game, due to the combination of me being better at live poker than online (because I like people and the information they provide me in person) and me being better at tournaments than cash games (because they're easier).

I may have to find a way to redistribute my bankroll across more sites; I may have to borrow or get staked to stay in action (though I'm really hoping to avoid that, there's no shame in it if it turns out to be more profitable-- if I'm good enough to beat games I'm not rolled for, and borrowing or getting staked means I can play those games and pay off all of my debts faster, I'd be foolish not to.)

More to come soon, I hope-- I say that a lot, because I've been struggling to put the good habits into place. We'll see if I live up to my ideals.

And for God's sake, I need to find a way to enjoy playing this game again.

I didn't get home from New Orleans until the 3rd. The only session I've played since I've been back, I lost 3 1/2 buyins. I feel I'm still playing too scared. I may need to change up routines just to get my head back in the right place.

My laptop went on the fritz for a few days, so I wasn't able to play more. Life outside of poker has been busy, too, but I intend to get back into the swing of things now that everything's up and running. I also want to make plans to head back out to the LAPC this year. I had a good run of it last year and am curious if I can duplicate that; it also seems like the most feasible upcoming destination, given the people I know and the time frame in which I have to plan the trip.

More to come as more happens.