"You do it to yourself, and that's what really hurts.
You do it to yourself, just you, you and no one else."
-Radiohead


I busted out of my first match of FTOPS #9 ($535 HU) in embarrassing fashion. My opponent was a fairly straightforward and easy player, and I had ground him down when I slowplayed T8 on a K88 flop and got check-raised all-in on the river after runner A-A. I let this tilt me and started trying to win it back right away, which culminated in me 4-bet shoving Q5o into AK and losing. (My justification? I had just 3-bet him the previous hand, and he was mimicing me.)

My bratty need for instant gratification cost me an entire tournament, for probably the several hundredth time in my life. When I was a tourney grinder, I made it work because a)I was playing so many tournaments at once that I usually was getting instant gratification from somewhere, making me less likely to tilt, and b)I was playing a high enough volume that my winnings would cover my tilts.

Neither of these are the case anymore, and it's eating me alive. As usual, I'm my own worst enemy.

When I go back to cash grinding (it'll happen soon), I'm going to be more clear about setting time and hand goals as opposed to winning goals. If I want to play for an hour, I'll sit down and play for an hour, and get up when it's over. I won't try to chase losses. I'll play enough tables so that I'm focused on playing and not anything else.

Talk is cheap, as usual. This time, though, I'm running out of options beyond "develop the discipline".

FOLLOW-UP: I talked to my friend Jason / THEOSU after dusting off a big part of my stack in event 10, and he reminded me of the importance of loosening up and having fun. Poker's a game, not an ordeal. For one, I play much better that way. My play is more frequently criticized, because I show up with stupider hands in inexplicable situations, but you know what they say-- a player who listens to the rail soon finds himself among them. I've just been feeling so much pressure not to screw up, that I've been playing to look good instead of playing to win. Funny that the thing that, by any objective measure, I'm best at, is the one I have the least confidence in. I'm too results-oriented, but I also know that on a certain level, you're only as good as your last big score.

I need to find my confidence in my play again. If I had the faith in myself that so many of you do, and the discipline to apply my talent and skill properly to the game, I would crush it.

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