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Yes, it's true. I too, am a massive online MTT multiaccounter. I bet you're wondering why I'm bothering to confess to this, perhaps my conscience has finally gotten to me you think? No, not at all, my conscience is as silent as ever, why later this evening I'm even going to go kick puppies for fun, but that's not the point. The point is that I've made enough money from my nefarious enterprises and am soon leaving Australia to retire to Hawaii, living out my days basking in the sun and spending my evenings drunker than Hemmingway. But before I go, I was hoping to impart some knowledge to my fellow multi accounters, who lately have proven themselves to be extraordinary retards who are clearly in need of my help and expertise.



First and foremost, you need to practice misdirection. In order to prevent any suspicion make sure to come out very hard and aggressive against other cheats and multi accounters. No matter how apologetic they are, blast them with insults and threats of violence. You should even exaggerate or make up things if you have to. For example, did you know JJprodigy is a homosexual? Did you know Mr. Casino eats babies in his spare time? Did you know Brian Townsend started the great Chicago fire of 1871? Being impassioned with your hatred towards the exposed multi accounters makes you look like the kind of person who would never stoop to such money grubbing antics. Yes, I know Shakespeare wrote "The lady doth protest too much, methinks" but nobody in poker reads Shakespeare, so don't worry about those cultureless morons.



Second, you need to find a front man. By this I mean you need to find someone who is willing to claim to be winning the tournaments that are won on the other screen names you're playing on, creating another barrier between you and the truth. My mutli accounting peers are complete novices at this, JJprodigy tried to claim it was his grandmother and Mr. Casino said it was the dad of a friend, attempts as pathetic as they are idiotic. The correct way to do this is to hire someone who is believable as a guy who spends his entire life sitting inside on his ass. In my case, I bought the identities of Shaun Deeb and Steve Leonard. I met Deeb at a buffet and offered him a life time's supply of orange soda for the use of his name, and Leonard at a gas station where I offered him as many cigarettes as he cared to smoke for the rest of his days. It's a shame that both will be dead before 30 from a heart attack and cancer respectively, but then their use has expired for me, so I don't really care. After all, I'm a multi accounter, and that means I only look out for number one.



Third, you need to shut off the logical part of your brain. You know, that part that tells you that you could probably make just as much money playing straight given how many dozens of profitable tournaments there are across so many sites. That worthless portion of the brain has been trying to hold we multi accounters back for years, trying to explain that the risk of being caught and our names being forever tarnished and our money confiscated simply isn't worth a marginal increase in edge when we already stand to make more money than doctors and lawyers. Don't listen to its crap, the only true way to attain greatness in poker is to take down Sunday majors, and everyone knows that nobody has ever won a Sunday major without multi accounting.



Lastly, it's best not to out yourself for multi accounting until you're absolutely ready. Doing so preemptively has a way of making you look like a complete fool. When you do out yourself, make sure not to apologize, because nobody will believe you're clearly disingenuous attempt and it will result in even more hatred. It's much better to go out on top, laughing all the way to the bank, just like me. So long fuckers!

Authors note: If you actually thought this was serious then, wow, I suck at sarcasm.