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Friday: I wake up at 9:52am and immediately turn on my computer. As always I have to wait a moment for it load up, then click the ‘resolve later’ button when it informs me my copy of ‘Windows’ may not be authentic which it has been doing for about a month now. It’s technically Celina’s computer, so I’m not sure what that’s all about and I’m clearly too lazy to fix it. While the computer finishes loading I go to the bathroom and take my morning piss.

I return a moment later, fire up each poker site that has a tournament starting at 10am, and register for them. I then go to take a shower which results in my sitting out for the first few minutes of the tournaments. I return to the computer in a towel and start playing my tables while registering for every other tournament I can get my hands on that has a buy in of $24 or more and anything close to an interesting prize pool. I’ve been running pretty awful lately (I’ve dropped roughly 7% of my roll which isn’t that big but still annoys me) so to help even out the variance I’m just playing fucking anything. I’m still making a decent amount of final tables, but near all of them wind up being a ninth through seventh instead of third through first.

I eat a protein bar and a glass of water. I would prefer milk but I realize that I don’t have any left in the house. When searching for it I realize I also don’t have anything else particularly edible that can be quickly prepared so I will not be eating during my work day today. I wind up making two final tables, including running deep in one of my last tournaments of the night which keeps me playing fairly late. I get a message from the girl I’m seeing who tells me she wants to go to a ‘Cambodian concert’ tonight with her sister. I don’t know what that it is, but seeing as it’s something totally random and different I’m not going to pass it up.

When I finish playing I run over to ‘Subway’ and eat a foot long roasted chicken sandwich. Then I head off to the gym and work out but have to make it brief as I’m running out of tme. Afterwards I get in my car and make the 40 minute drive down to the South West towards Dandenong. When I get there I have to reintroduce myself to her sister as I’m awful with names and met her some time ago late at night. They are dressed quite nicely and smell heavily of perfume, so I’m not quite sure what to expect. The sister directs me to the event and we park outside. It appears to be some kind of classy restaurant and/or function center.

Inside everyone is dressed rather formally and the place is decked with flowers, lights, and neat table dressings. At 6’1” I am comfortably the tallest person in the room.
“Jesus, it looks like prom in here, except this time I’m wearing more than a speedo” (back story found here: http://www.tworags.com/index.php?ACTION=blogs&todo=view&ID=2385) I remark upon seeing the room.

We take a seat at a table with a group of people we don’t know. Everyone is speaking Cambodian (or as it’s properly known; Khmer, as roughly 95% of Cambodians are Khmer’s.) In a room with a few hundred people there is only three other white guys, and they are about 40 and in a group together with what appears to be their wives. The attendants are all ranges of age, from the elderly to the two five year olds who chase each other around on the dance floor playing tag. In the front of the room there is a band playing Cambodian songs.

Shortly into the evening a couple of performers come out and sing a song that tells a story while the male actor carry’s around a doll posing as a baby. The female half of the couple is dressed traditionally and looks tall and statuesque.
“She’s really pretty don’t you think?” asks my date.
“Yes quite. As soon as she’s done singing I’m gonna go crack on to her, stay here.”
“I hate you!” she exclaims and slaps my leg “But I don’t think she speaks English.”
“Only one way to find out” I taunt her.

I look around the room and curse myself for not having worn a suit as for once I wouldn’t look totally out of place. My date starts explaining the story of the song but I interject with “Stop interrupting, I understand every word. Don’t you know I speak Cambodian?” She hits me again.

Dinner is quite delicious and we get an extra order of quail to enjoy on top of what’s included in the set menu. I haven’t drank more than three beers in the last month, but considering I can’t make much conversation and it’s a party I decide to go to town on Heinekens. One guy across from us is also drinking them heavily and I start chatting to him with the help of a woman in his group who translates for us. Then we clink our beers together several times and shout “Yeeeeeeea!” cause it’s the only thing we’ll both understand.

As soon as dinner finishes the dance floor fills up immediately. After not drinking for so long the five or six beers I’ve had is enough to give me a solid buzz so I leap onto the floor and join them. The first dance involves people sort of slowly walking in a circle to the rhythm while turning their hands in and out. I just fucking go for it and act like I know what I’m doing and people seem cool with the fact that I’m trying. The dances eventually quicken up, including one that has some kind of three step that I have difficulty managing, though everyone assures me I’m dancing quite well (liars!)

When I take a break from the dancing I approach my date’s sister and slam my key down on the table.
“This is for you, my driving is not happening.”

Near the end of all the songs there is a slow dance. While swaying slowly back and forth I remark “You know this is actually the closest thing I’ve ever had to a prom?”
“Really?”
“Yep, I was working my junior year and I streaked it my senior year, so this is pretty much it. Gotta say, I never expected it to be so Cambodian.”

When it all finishes we head back to her place and I start drinking water. It becomes abundantly clear that I will not be driving home tonight.

Saturday: I wake up at 1pm with a mild hang over and no clothes on. I get a text from my personal trainer asking if we’re still on for 2pm. I message back that it’s not going to happen. I take a shower and throw on the same clothes from last night.

We decide to get some ‘Dim Sun’ in Springvale and wind up ordering way too much food. At least getting left over’s means I’ll actually have edible food in my house tomorrow. Downstairs from the restaurant is a market where the Vietnamese shop owners are yelling “BANANA! ONE DORRA! BUY DI!” In a confusing moment of cultural reverse she cracks up hysterically at this and I tell her to “Stop being so racist.” I buy a pack of strawberries and walk around the market munching on them at a leisurely pace.

After the market we head over to Chadstone mall where we decide to see the Clive Owen/Julia Roberts espionage thriller ‘Duplicity’. It’s not starting for another 90 minutes so we go upstairs to the book store where I get a coffee then grab books on Kenya, South East Asia, and Dubai and start reading. I discover the following information:
1. 15% of the adult population in Kenya has AIDS/HIV. God damn.
2. 95% of Cambodians are ‘Khmer’.
3. Pol Pot murdered roughly 1.7 million Cambodians in his attempt at a utopian society in which most of the hatred and persecution was directed at the educated city dwellers.
4. After gaining independence in 1963 Kenya has been under the rule of one corrupt head of state after another, though many of made great measures in improving the infrastructure of the country. However, during the early years of the 21st century Kenya underwent considerable economic struggles and moved backwards, becoming closer to a third world country, particularly after terrorist attacks at the airport and American embassy discouraged tourism.
5. Dubai looks balla as hell.

After my little study session we go to watch the movie which is actually quite good. Not only was the banter and chemistry between Owen and Roberts witty and enjoyable, but the film features support from talented actors Tom Wilkinson and Paul Giamatti. It reminds me of ‘The Thomas Crown Affair’ with Pierce Brosnan and I ask my date if she’s ever seen it. She says she hasn’t and I insist that we watch it later tonight.

Then the best thing ever happens; we go eat Korean BBQ on Victoria Street. God the pork ribs there are fucking awesome, so awesome in fact that I’m certain without a sliver of doubt that my having eaten them means I had a better day than anyone on the planet who did not (yes I’m aware that someone somewhere probably won a lottery or had sex with Scarlet Johansson but trust me, not better.)

When we get back to my place I turn on my old, half broken laptop that has the movie on it. When I fire up ‘Realplayer’ I suddenly realize that the last thing I was watching on it was porn so I slyly turn the computer away for a moment and do my best to close it out without the shoddy laptop falling apart in my hands. I’m 99% sure she doesn’t notice. Then I spend two hours wishing I was as suave as Pierce Brosnan.

Sunday: I wake up at 10:22am and decide it’s not time to get up yet and reset the alarm to 10:52am.

Thirty minutes later I wake up and decide to actually get up this time. I go through the same routine of turning on the computer, clicking ‘resolve later’, taking a piss, and registering for tournaments before showering and showing up late. Again I register for everything I can get my hands on but get distracted doing an enormous amount of writing for most of my day. Yet again I make numerous deep runs which end disappointingly and I lose money on the day.

When I finish I go out for a run because I’ve been lazy the last couple days about working out. I prefer to go running in the park but for the last couple weeks they’ve had the track for the giant race erected and it’s pretty much impossible to do it there so I haven’t bothered as much.

When I get home we have salmon for dinner and decide to get wasted. We open up a bottle of red wine and start drinking it quickly, with her occasionally sculling it. When we’re finished I roll up a clearly too large joint of super weed and smoke the whole thing. A few minutes later I’m totally wrecked and munching on strawberries while I destroy her at Wii bowling and talking trash the whole way to victory. Eventually my inebriation deteriorates my skills and I lose game, resulting in vast harassment and taunting from the other side.

I decide I need to lay down so I turn on a ‘Trainspotting’, crawl into bed, and start drinking water. God, Begby in that movie is such a fucking psycho.

Monday: I wake up at 9:52am and turn on my computer. Here we go again…