Bond & Girl headed off to Macau today leaving Club One, our hostess staff and my liver struggling to recover. We enjoyed their visit, of course, but even just hanging out with them was like being a new Army recruit stationed at Abu Ghraib circa 2003. The book says you’re supposed to follow direct orders, but this wasn’t exactly in the Be All You Can Be brochure and the constant presence of the digital camera is really unsettling. Even the most dimwitted grunt would know that grainy footage will be really awkward to explain under oath. In any event, Bond & Girl are gone now—off to some other live event in some exotic land—and we’re here trying to contain the resultant liability and erase any and all digital evidence before the process servers arrive.

Under advice of counsel, I can’t relate all the events of the 5 days past, but I can reference the tamer events including a viewing of The Dark Knight at the local IMAX theater—ten thumbs up from the five viewers in our party; a trip to the Sequoia National Forest; which Bond summed up thus, "Those are some big @#$%^& trees." and several shameful drinking/karaoke sessions in our full bar. In one of the gigs, Bond and I took a run at the song Kokomo, a former #1 Beach Boys hit, a tune that we thought would be improved with our own harmonics and a three syllable spin on Fresno. Fortunately for 2R readers, this “event” has been uploaded to YouTube by our capable staff and available for easy viewing below.

Fresono!



In and of itself, that mauling of one of VH1’s 40 Most Awesomely Bad No. 1 Songs should prove that we at Club One are in our own little world of surrealism. Once he’s safe in a country with no extradition treaty, I’m sure Bond will be happy to share other more lurid and twisted events that will hammer all doubt from your mind. Until then, I offer the following footage of a Club One customer attempting to place a blackjack bet with an ounce or two of a local cash crop, caught on our own surveillance cameras.

Betting with weed



No, I kid you not.

Edmond

”Lake, they showed!”

True to their word, Bond18 and BondGirl landed at the Fresno/Yosemite International Airport for their scheduled visit to Club One Casino. I wasn’t sure they’d make it out after the heady combo of Bond’s win in the Bellagio $3k and Watts’ $15k Bellagio Cup triumph. In my experience, after a big score, poker players and appointments are a poor match. A good rule of thumb is if you have the player in your car moving at highway speeds, you’re in good shape. Other than that, you should manage your expectations.

I was therefore congratulating myself, when shortly after 6p, I was at the wheel of the Club One minivan headed toward downtown Fresno with Bond, BGirl and their gear packed in back. The ride was uneventful other than the shame of the van itself and my sketchy driving.

The sporty Club One van



”Oh. Cool.”

After checking them in at the hotel, I took Bond to get his hair cut at a local place I knew around the corner in building under renovation. He showed no open concern en route, but I’m sure he thought I was taking him to some meth head’s place for some quick razor work. When the automatic doors opened to reveal local uber-stylist George Garcia’s chic, minimalist Loft salon, I could tell he was somewhat relieved to see something other than a squatter with a pair of rusty scissors.

I picked him up, newly shorn, 30 minutes later, loaded BondGirl and Su, our player relations rep (aka BlackWidow), into the van and headed to dinner at MaRoo, a local Korean and Japanese restaurant for some barbecue beef, sushi and sake. The food and drink was apparently to their liking and we headed back to the casino.

After a brief tour (“That’s the bar. That’s the poker room.”), Bond and I took seats in our 2/5 NL game which was characterized by multiple in the dark shoves. I thought for sure this game would make a great first impression, but once we sat down it turned weak-tight nitfest, wobbled for a few orbits and fell apart. Fortunately, there were enough players on our 15/30 waiting list to build another table from the stragglers.

For you NL players who scoff at limit, take it from an insider—you should dabble in these games, especially if they’re sporting a full kill. Our 15/30 full kill is a predictable, heavy action game characterized by ill-timed bluffs, missed value bets and horrible full kill hand selection. I can’t say for sure, but I’m guessing that pretty much standard throughout California. If you’re ever in our room, you should shove your ego aside and take a seat. It’s a proven bankroll builder.

Cue the Asian women drinking

We played a few rounds of min-bet, finishing up slightly, and headed into the bar to check on BondGirl’s whereabouts. At MaRoo, I thought I heard Bond & Girl suggest that she was a bit of a lightweight. I either misheard them or they calibrate to some sort of Aussie scale. From eyewitness reports and security footage, once in our bar, BondGirl demanded a round of lewd shots and challenged our hostess staff to keep pace.

BondGirl. Oh my.



By the time Bond and I found them, she, Su and LakeofFire’s wife were engaged full on bar warfare and shrieked another profane order to our bartender. A true professional, he responded by serving them another array of lurid drinks and added them to my open tab. BondGirl then proceeded to go through them like Evian and leave Su and Lake’s girl on the verge of blacking out.

Heads up!



We attempted to restore order, but there’s only so much two guys can do when faced with an entire bar of crazies amped up on Fuzzy Navels, Buttery Nipples, BlowJobs, Cowboy Cocksuckers and the like. I ordered a Jack Daniels and made a silent plea that last call would arrive before Fresno PD. It did and the evening ended without any urgent calls to 911 or defense counsel.

Bond brokers the peace



Tournament players, there’s a bounty on them youngsters!”

Saturday started on a tame note. I took B&G to local day spa and Pangea, a fusion food spot in a high end mall nearby. After an afternoon of relaxing, B&G volunteered to “donk it up” in our $55 buy-in nightly and show off his Bellagio bracelet to the locals.

Nice hardware



For a live room, our tournament structure is pretty good. We start guys with 100BB and run 15-minute levels. Both B&G are hugely +EV to our typical field, so I tossed a $50 bounty on each of their heads to eliminate any fold equity they might have. For added fun, I threw some Bud Light Party Cruise girls at him to see if I could spark BondGirl into marking her territory.

"What's your M?"



Although BG ran ahead of Bond for more of the event, she was finally taken out by a former Mrs. California who’s also a Club One tournament regular. In the hottie v. hottie flip, BondGirl came up just short and headed back to the bar to repair her ego with our hostesses.

"Thanks for the bounty, Edmond"



For his part, Bond final-tabled but was bounced out in 10th when his 8 BB EP pre-flop shove with JJ was insta-called by KQs. Q on the flop and Bond was out with $103 to show for his $55 buy-ins and four hours of donkamentia. We had reservations at a couple of nice restaurants, but he ran just late enough where we’d never make closing time so it was back to our restaurant for steak and some Cakebread cabernet.

Fight Night

At dinner, I asked him point blank if Fresno was the least glamorous spot on his Around the World in 90 days tour, a jaunt that included Venice, Paris, Vegas, Barcelona and Istanbul. “No, I’d say Milwaukee was worse.” What? That city is known for beer, has several pro sports franchises and a statue of Fonzie under construction. I consider this a huge victory.

Bond spent a little time chatting with local UFC Fighter and Club One favorite son, Jason “LiveWire” Von Flue and his girlfriend who showed up in the bar for the Anderson Silva demolition of James Irwin. Our bar crowd was clearly disappointed at the 61-second fight. Fortunately, the multiple replays of various UFC knockouts extended the beat-down and satisfied the crowd’s bloodlust.

"Girls, I can kick your butts."



”And there’s no tenderness, like before, in your fingertips.”

As with most evenings at Club One, once the alcohol takes full effect, someone drags out our karaoke setup. This evening would prove no different and Bond was clearly anxious to work the mike.

One reader asked for a video of Bond singing “Never Gonna Give You Up” –the Grail of all Rick Roll videos. Bah, not in the playlist. We do have nice video footage of a duet of “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’” (on which we scored 98) and Blue Suede Shoes (on which he scored 95 solo). There’s also a nice vid of us singing Kokomo substituting Fresno for Kokomo. Ship the MTV music award to Club One Casino, attn: me.

Guess which one of us knows the lyrics



Not the man I used to be

I got up this morning and staggered to the bathroom. A word of advice. Over the age of 40, don’t attempt to run a casino 18 hours a day and drink the other 6. Early in my career, I bounce of bed like I’d just slid into second base with the game-winning double. Now every morning feels like I’m struggling off the field with heat exhaustion.

While I spent the morning in the gym alternating between the treadmill and the men’s room, Bond spent the day in my office multi-tabling, writing and listening to hip hop. The rest of my day was spent writing and cleaning up things before I heading back to LA in the morning. I’ll pick up dry-cleaning, run a few errands and return by 10:30 to see The Dark Knight on Imax with Bond & Co. and hope nothing felonious happens before a scheduled visit from regulators on Tuesday.

Edmond

Yesterday I was chatting with Bond18 on AIM and confirmed that he and BondGirl will, in fact, make the trek to Fresno to visit this weekend. We've no specific plans for the travelers, but we'll do our best to refresh them with amenities and Club One hospitality (aka cheap liquor and hotties). We've identified a good Korean restaurant, doubled our weekly liquor order and upped our liability coverage. I think we're ready.

In and of itself Bond's trip should yield a noteworthy post, but I'm even more encouraged by a message I received on my voicemail this a.m. In the small cardroom world, an overnight voicemail could be staff seeking guidance on fixing an overworked piece of HVAC equipment, directions for making a proper mojito or counsel on posting bail for an overzealous employee. Today, it was a message which sounded like an Asian man being savagely tortured.

I listened carefully for clues to the source, but after a minute and a half of disturbing howls and shrieks, the message abruptly cut off with an Asian woman's voice, "Hello? Hello? Oh my god! Oh my god!" and the caller then hung up. Any other casino exec would immediately notify either the FBI to advise of this kidnapping plot, but I quickly realized that, in truth, our new karaoke equipment has arrived and was being "tested" by our capable staff. I made a mental note to provide keypad lock training for our hostesses and tripled the liquor order.

This weekend obviously has the potential to comp up vs. the prior period. I'll keep you posted.

Edmond

MontBleu
While everyone else headed to Vegas for the WSOP, I headed up to South Lake Tahoe with LakeofFire to attend the card room trade association meeting. Since there are no direct flights from Fresno to anywhere, we sparked up the Lexus and headed north. It’s a 5-hour drive that Lake made highly interesting by running at 80 mph approximately one and a half car lengths behind other fast lane travelers and howling about their lack of driving skills and judgment. The entire way.

The card room association meetings are a chance to get some regulatory updates and re-connect with other card room owners and I’m pleased to report I accomplished very little of either. The only really interesting tidbit was the legislation to study the prospect of intra-state online poker in California. It’s an interesting notion, and one, if history is any guide, that will be introduced about 4 years after the poker boom has completely fizzled.

Last year, Lake made the trip a success by running stupid hot and winning 3 of 4 tournaments he entered, including demolishing a Grand Sierra tournament for $5500. Unfortunately, this year there would be no time for a repeat performance. Just roll in, have a steak, sleep, do a little stretching to fight gravity and OLD, attend some meetings, blow back to Fresno in time for the Friday night rush.

We stayed at the MontBleu, formerly Caesar’s Tahoe, which tried to remake itself a few years back as a contemporary resort but only ended up with tacky décor and bad service. That said, the casino’s Ciera Steak House is a good choice if you find yourself in the Lake Tahoe area. Chopped salad, New York steak medium, nice glass of Rodney Strong cabernet. I’d do it again.

When we visited Mont Bleu last year, the poker room was set up opposite to the sportsbook and had several tables running. Since last year, they’ve moved the poker room into the sportsbook area and it’s become a ghost town--there were no tables running at 3p on Friday. It looks like Harvey’s is probably the only reliable NL action in the South Lake Tahoe area, and if you have a choice, always stay at the Hyatt Lake Tahoe in Incline Village. North end of the lake, but much better accommodations, service and view.

Club One
As for Club One, we’re starting to fire up a daily changes and promotions that have kept me busy round-the-clock. Real plants, more flatscreens (including a 65" monster in the bar), baccarat and fortune pai gow (new games for us), a “Win a hybrid” promotion, players’ cards and match play coupons. Add in a mangled opening of an adjacent hotel, failing refrigeration equipment, daily parking snafus, ongoing people management challenges and the lack of a decent office desk and chair and my blogging career has stalled like a '74 AMC Gremlin with sugar in its tank. The sick jukebox LakeofFire dug up is a hit, though. I can confirm that bar traffic and hotties are up 10% year-to-year. We’ll take it. And we've rescheduled another karaoke night, obv...

If anyone’s interested, you can check out some of the things we’ve got going on out here in Fresno. The photos are dated, of course; our bar and restaurant are packed with hotties of types 24/7 and there are no more old school TVs left on premises. Now if I could only solve the parking issue.

Club One Casino's blogspot page provided in lieu of the website we can't seem to get launched.

Edmond

In the spirit of Bond18, I's reflect a little on the things I've learned in the last three months of running a card room.

Good dealers don't let games break. Bad dealers make you want to break things.

A good dealer can shuffle and deal faster and better without a ShuffleMaster machine.

Good chairs matter.

Good bartenders and servers make eye contact and have a following. They’re hard to find.

We sell a ton of Corona.

Some women still drink Kailua and milk.

NL poker players complain like crazy. Pai gow poker players ARE crazy.

Jerry Yang is extremely nice and never complains.

When parking gets screwed up, it's a problem.

No hotel in Fresno has a decent restaurant.

Don't leave your laptop charging in the hotel lobby. Corollary: the new Macbook Pros rock.

A leak from the pool being renovated on the roof adjacent to the casino will find its way to the computers in surveillance.

The Foxwoods Casino with 7400 slot machines pays $200 million to the state of Connecticut. The Pechanga Resort and Casino, the biggest in California and within two hours of 10+ million residents and now ok'd for 7500 slots, will pay about $100 million annually to California. Give me 7500 slots within an hour of $5 million people and I'll send $200 million annually to California and $100 million to Connecticut, no problem.

The ATM business is a total racket.

Everybody has ad space to sell.

Limit poker is more fun and profitable than you know.

4/8 with full kill is a chip-flinging free-for-all.

If you throw someone out, they'll come back. This includes employees.

Armenian people communicate loudly.

Asian hotties like karaoke.

If a white guy, mid 40s, dances like no one is watching, surveillance will still have the video.

The facility is never clean enough.

It's all about butts in seats.

Edmond