As you might know, for the past few months I've been counting down to the purchase of a 49-table card room in Central California. Early in my poker career, it was obvious to me that, given my propensity to stack off light, the only way for me to beat the rake was to, in fact, become it. To that end, I found a card room for sale and spent the better part of the last two years trying to pull the deal together. It’s been a draining process and I'm happy to report that as of midday Thursday, we received our final regulatory approvals and by Friday afternoon, the prior owners tossed us the keys and said, "Have at it!" If anyone’s interested, I’ll post a journal of the entire sordid process.

“Awesome. I think he’s gonna die.”

After insisting to my wife and friends that the flu bug that’s savaged everyone I know would leave me untouched, I was immediately hammered by same. I’ll be honest, I felt it coming on and thought I could brush it off with Contac and cough drops, but after a lunch meeting at the Commerce in which all I remember was fighting to stay conscious, I dragged myself home and resigned myself to ridicule.

My wife would have been well within her rights to let me suffer, but instead she responded like Clara Barton possessed and spent the next 24 hours pelting me with Tylenol and antibiotics and serving up a foul round of cough medicine shots every four hours. Our living room looked like a Civil War field hospital and the cat had a strangely satisfied look on his face.

“In seat 9…providing the overlay…EdmondDantes”

Forty-eight hours later, I’m happy to report that her strategy worked and I’m feeling 100% better, just in time for a crazy session lakong and I have planned with the folks from Live at the Bike, now known as PokerNetcast. On Monday night, we’ll be hosting a $1K buy-in single table tournament with hole cams, video, commentators, the whole shebang. The current line up includes: Adanthar, nath, Shaniac, SirWatts, shaundeeb, Jose Canseco, Thayer. The flu knocked out two of the scheduled players, so we’re still scrambling a bit but I’m pretty sure we’ll round the table out. As a last resort, LakeofFire or I will fill in the final spot.

In a few weeks, we’ll be posting this dark comedy, access to the LATB archives and providing some videos with commentary which we'll segue into some new instructional content. It should be some interesting and entertaining viewing, and we’re pretty excited about it. In any event, I’ll post after the completion of the sit-n-go and let you know how it went.

Edmond

On Tuesday, I rolled down to the Commerce around 2:30p and hunted down shaundeeb for a lunch at the Arena Bar and Grill, Commerce’s sports bar. I'd never met SFD and braced myself for a conversation without punctuation, but he surprised me with complete sentences and cogent thought. A few minutes into lunch, LakeofFire showed up and then David Mosikian, Player Relations god for the Commerce, wandered over and, as I found out later, picked up the tab. I wish I had known; I’d have ordered a couple of extra entrees to go.

After lunch, I signed up for the $1,000 NL event (Event #19). I didn’t look like they were going to get that many entrants, but by the start there were well over 25 tables going. The official count was 268 entrants with a $72k first prize.

Like many of the prelims, the structure was pretty quick—one hour levels, but 3000 chips and 25/50 blinds to start. I never really got anything going throughout the tournament. I definitely had some decent hands AA (3 times), KK and flopped trips and two pair (twice) but never could get paid off I finished about 50th when I shoved UTG with KQo with <10BB. KQo < ATs…nice playing with you guys.

High points on the day…

- Men the Master two seats to my left at my first table. He got down within a chip or two of the felt when he shoved with top pair, bad kicker, 3rd nut flush draw on the turn. He immediately doubled back up when a guy called his push with K high and redoubled when he insta-called an all-in with A2s. Deeb put it succinctly in the text message. “lol asians” No caps or punctuation, of course.

- Dinner in the Eden restaurant with SFD, SirWatts, grafyx and Lake. Grilled salmon…tasty…and good for you!

- LakeofFire flaming out in typical spectacular fashion, zooming up to several thousand BBs within the first two hours and then blowing it all before the dinner break. I thought he’d dusted the stack off on two hands, but as he corrected me, he had way too many chips to do it in just two hands. Three then, whatever.

- Meeting JP OSU of "I got mugged for 30k in Australia" fame on a break.

- Grinding through 80% of the field and not getting paid despite three pairs of pocket aces, a pair of pocket kings, flopped trips and two pairs ad nauseum because I’m a grey-haired nit and only play the nuts, obv.

- Moving to shaundeeb’s table short and having him mock me with a “Nice stack, sir!” and having him shake his head in disgust when I was shown the rail with my KQo < ATs.

- Other notables in the event: David Pham, Jennifer Tilly, a guy directly to my right supposedly never played a hand of poker before today but “is really good at blackjack.” You’ll be fine, sir. The games require skill sets…

Anyway, I should have some better stuff to talk about next week. Adanthar and nath are allegedly coming out. we're doing some filming with some of the guys on Monday and I have another deal that looks like it might just close later in the week. Plus, deeb's in a room with my credit card on file, unsupervised...

Welcome back, sir!

After the events of Super Bowl Sunday, I had no idea when I’d be allowed out into society at large much less back into a licensed casino. By Wednesday, though, I’d sold the UCLA medical staff on releasing me to the custody of my wife, and by 7p Thursday, she was 40 minutes into a yoga class and I was leaving my car with the valet at the Commerce Casino. Obviously, the Commerce doesn’t subscribe to weekly updates of the Las Vegas blacklist or doesn’t consider my behavior as documented in the Mirage security report abnormal—the valet greeted me with a friendly “Welcome back, sir! Leave it up front?” Why yes, thank you.

I was back at the Commerce with the simple goal of tracking down Thayer (reportedly playing the $1500 event) and perhaps redeeming my shocking exit from a single table satellite the prior week. As it turned out, I was sidetracked from my task by the buffet, Asian hotties, a frenzied mob and an unruly pride of paper mache lions. The events as transpired are still hazy but fortunately I had my digital camera and convinced the Commerce staff that my use of same was of journalistic significance. I’ll do the best I can to recap the events and provide photo verification where possible.


A guy’s gotta eat, right?

First, the buffet. This year, the food voucher you receive with an LAPC entry is good for the buffet, either in the Eden Restaurant (at the bottom of the stairs from the tournament area) or the Las Vegas Buffet (between the California games and main poker rooms). This buffet is the real deal—prime rib, fried chicken, a variety of vegetables, breads and salad and an assortment of desserts. I wasn’t playing and didn’t have a voucher, but when John Griffo, the Commerce’s shameless yet talented Casino Development Manager, saw me loitering in the lobby, he waved me over and told me to take a run at it gratis. I accommodated him, of course—I’m not one to refuse hospitality—and figure the typical tournament player can easily pull $20-$25 of value from the set-up.




Uh, dude, you had me at “Asian models…”

As I was finishing my feast, Griffo mentioned that I might want to check out the Chinese New Year celebration around 8p or so. “We’re having some Asian models hand out cash and stuff.” and casually mentioned something about an authentic lion dance. “You might like it.” Well, yes, that I might.

In my opinion, this is the kind of bold thinking that affirms the Commerce’s market leadership. It’s not just about giving back to your customer base. It’s about employing BABES to give CASH back. I can just imagine the marketing meeting with everyone brainstorming about how best to welcome the Year of the Rat.

“Hey, I’m just thinking out loud here, but what about hiring some attractive Asian girls and having them hand out cash and gifts in the pai gow section?”

“Hmmm…that might work. Anybody willing to champion this?”

Cue Griffo stepping forward as the courageous volunteer.

The Year of the Rat? More like the Night of the Weasel…


New Year’s done right

For those that aren’t familiar with the Chinese New Year, it’s the most important of the traditional Chinese holidays. I’m not sure how our Asian friends calibrate the year-end (this year it fell on Feb 7th), but according to myth, a man-eating beast appeared every 12 months to prey on humans. This creature was sensitive to loud noises and the color red, and, consequently, the traditional celebration includes fireworks and other cacophony to scare the beast back into hiding.

This year, the Commerce put their own twist on the celebration. First, they’d send five Asian stunners in tiaras and evening gowns through the California games (pai gow, pan, baccarat et al.) with cash and other gifts in red envelopes. Then with the crowd worked into a frenzy, they’d have the girls lead a traditional lion dance through the entire first floor and spin the rest of the casino into the mix. A straightforward distribution of value for the customer accomplished through liberal application of noise and women. I liked it.




Feeding time!

Griffo collected the girls in the lobby and handed them fistfuls of red envelopes with a variety of prizes and gifts enclosed. He then set them loose with clear instructions “make sure everyone gets something.” The result was predictable and immediate. With the enthusiasm of piranha on exposed flesh, the patrons swarmed the girls as they moved through the pai gow and baccarat sections. Griffo and his team followed, like a camera crew from Animal Planet, only interrupting the ecosystem to reload the girls with envelopes.









It was like watching untamed animals feeding and I kept a safe distance. Who knows how the species would react if they thought their feast was threatened by an intruder? Fortunately, a team of the Commerce’s finest kept order and by 8:30p the girls were back in the lobby breathless but otherwise unharmed.

“I thought they were going to tear them to shreds!” Griffo commented with a chuckle.

“You tied raw meat to fawns and dropped them in the tiger pit! What did you expect?” I howled.

Griffo shrugged me off and quickly herded the girls into the parking lot to prepare for the second part of the celebration, the lion dance.


The Lion Dance

This is the first time I’d seen a lion dance in person and it apparently involves taunting Asian teenagers encased in paper mache with beautiful women, rattling their nerves with cymbal crashes and then sending them into a crowded room of gamblers to run amok. I observed in anonymity, like Caine with a camera.

Eye contact with the 2nd from the left…nice…



The pride warms up...



"Girls, meet the lions...Lions, girls..."



Beauties and the beast...



After a few preliminaries, the parade started in the California games section, moved through the high stakes poker room and onto the main floor. The reaction of the crowds varied from reverent glee in the Asian section to casual shrugs in the poker room. As the lions split up and ran amok throughout the casino. I noticed a number of Asian patrons “feeding” the lions chips, presumably to garner good fortune throughout the new year. Note to self: If you ever need to rebuild your bankroll, dust off the old marching band drum-kit…find some old newspaper and paste…add paint, fur and glitter…

Griffo reminds the crowd that that the lions and girls are fitted with tracking devices...



Five hotties and a huge lion head...standard...



Where’s the 300/600 mixed game?



Side note:

Just another Thursday night in the high stakes poker section…

8 tables of 10/20 NL
2 tables of 20/40 NL
1 table of 50/100 NL

1 table of 8/16 half kill
6 tables of 9/18 limit
5 tables of 20/40 limit
5 tables of 40/80 limit
2 tables of 60/120 limit
4 tables of 100/200 hold’em
Interest for 300/600 and 400/800 hold’em

1 table of 300/600 mixed
1 table of 400/800 mixed
1 table of 1000/2000 mixed
1 table of 200/Kondition Chinese poker

2 tables of 30/60 Omaha hi/lo 1/3 kill split
1 table of 10/20 pot limit Omaha
Interest for 75/150 Omaha

3 tables of 20/40 stud
2 tables of 30/60 stud
3 tables of 100/200 stud

Pay that little yellow lion no mind…







I’m 21…why do you ask?




We started with five of you, right?

After 15-20 minutes of romping about, the lions were lured back to the parking lot. Griffo inventoried the girls and beasts and satisfied that all were accounted for, allowed a few final shots.





Dude, you know this is the high point of your life, right?




Thayer he is!

After so welcoming in the New Year, I went up to the tournament room to hunt down Thayer in the $1500 event. As it turns out, he was pretty easy to find. The tournament was down to 7 tables, and, of the final 60 or so players, there was only one slightly bored Yankee fan remaining. Had to be him, right? I watched for a bit and introduced myself on a break.



After that I went down and played $5/10 $400 max for about an hour and ended up down about $140 when my AQs hit a Q high flop but came apart on the turn in a multi-way pot. I took that as my cue to head out and checked back in on Thayer. Approaching the bubble, 32 players left with 27 paid and he was settled into a comfortable pattern of blind larceny...



I called it a night, and moved on like Caine …satisfied that my work here was done...

Edmond

Last night I went down to meet up with 2+2er Heisenb3rg who’s in town from Toronto to grind out some limit and check on lakong in the 6-max turbo (busto) and LakeofFire in the single table tournaments (couple of chops). After having a drink with Heisenb3rg, I surveyed the cash game action. Check this out, last night (Wed) around 9p, at least 45 tables of NL and tons of other action!

Main Poker Room



No limit

6+ tables of 1/2 $40 max
7 tables 2/3 $100 max
9 tables 3/5 $200 max
13 tables 5/10 $400 max
8 tables of 10/20 $600+
1 table of 20/40 $2k+
Interest for a 50/100 NL
1 table of 100/200 NL $30k+
1 table of 200/400 NL

Limit

1 table of 1/2
3 tables of 2/4
X tables of 4/8 missed this but I know they’re spreading it
2 tables of 8/16 half kill
4 tables of 9/18
4 tables of 40/80
3 tables of 60/120
3 tables of 100/200
1 table of 200/400
1 table of 400/800
1 table of 300/600 mixed
1 table of 600/1200 mixed

Other games

2 tables of Chinese poker; one 100/Kondition, one 200/Kondition
4 tables of 4/8 stud
Interest for 40/80 stud 8 or better
2 tables 4/8 Omaha hi/lo
2 tables of 30/60 Omaha hi-lo split with 1/3 kill
Interest list for PLO

I probably missed some games but you get the idea. Among the name players I saw: an oddly sober Layne Flack playing Badugi; Eli Elezra, Jennifer Harman and Todd Brunson in what looked to be an 800/1600 mixed game; Jean-Robert Bellande voted off Survivor but welcome in 100/200 NL; and Shawn Sheikhan playing Chinese poker short-handed. In the tournament room, Mel Judah, Shannon Elizabeth and lots of knuckleheads I recognized from other events.


You girls here with anyone else?

I hadn’t planned on playing but as I was wandering around the tournament room, they were seating a $280 sit-n-go and needed a final entrant. An omen, obv. I took the seat. The $280 sit-n-go starts with 1500 chips, 25/25 blinds and 15-minute levels. My tablemates reminded me of my ex—bloated, unthinking and little regard for value. I mentally booked the easy win.



I'd barely settled in and called for a cocktail waitress, when on the 2nd hand of the tournament, I looked down at pocket queens. Now two girls and me flush with cash is an obvious trouble spot, but with one Jack Daniels in me and another on order, I felt up for the challenge. One EP limper to me, I raised 100 and got three callers.

The flop was a nice QJ2.

The players checked to me. The arrival of the 3rd little temptress filled me with lust, and I showed off for the girls by tossing $300 into the pot. One for each of you!

Call. Call. EP limper now shoved. WTF? Sir, I’m not abandoning three hotties at this party and leaving. I call. Call. Crying call. Ok, let’s see them, folks.

EP guy who re-raised me all-in flips up 22.
I present my harem with pride QQ.
Pretender to my left shows KT.
And Crying Caller shows T9.

Sadly, like other similar situations (me lit, multiple women), this ended with me short on cash when an unwelcome third party presented himself—in this case, a river K. Stunned by this pimp, I prepared to head out in shame. But as the winner (Crying Caller) scooped the pot, I realized he had donked off a few chips in the very first hand. I collected a $375 side pot. Taxi fare.

Guy to my right says “Hey, you made money!”
“Well, not exactly.” I responded as I sat back down.
“Oh…yeah…I guess you’re right.”

The blinds were only 25/25 and I still had chips, so like any guy so worked, I struggled to rebuild. Ironically, I built back up to 800 courtesy of JJ which held multi-way but bounced out shortly thereafter when I called a shove on my blind with AQo. AQo < ATs and I was out.

Ok, let me get this right, Edmond…you get it in right with four women and you’re home by 11p with no money? Well, yeah...but I'm going back. The cash games are SICK!

Edmond