Authors Note: For those not aware, famous online pokerstar Imper1um was accused of buying an account deep in a Sunday major on Full Tilt. For those needing the appropriate back story, you’d need to glance over two threads, in this order:
http://www.pocketfives.com/97408D8E-DA1E-4A00-A0AE-BE21870E7F86.aspx
http://www.pocketfives.com/BD836AF0-F439-46C6-ACC7-C093FE47F071.aspx
In the Pocketfives justice system all defendants are extremely guilty upon the moment of accusation, either by coming to their own defense immediately, or waiting for the storm to blow over. These are their stories.

*Cue scenes of people in boring suits walking in an intense manner and staring into the camera*

November 28th, 8:43pm, Pocketfives Courtroom

*The courtroom is full of pocket fives professionals, railbirds, wannabe’s and onlookers. Yourtimeisup sits on the left, while Imper1um sits on the right next to his lawyer, Inissint. Judge Adam sits in the center holding a gavel with a head in the shape of a spade, which he begins smashing onto his desk*

Judge Adam: I call to order the case of the People vs. Imper1um, 2007. Mr. Yourtimeisup of the prosecution, representing the people, state your case please.

Yourtimeisup: Yes your honor, *ahem* it has come to our attention that online superstar Imper1um, aka Zangbezan24, aka Sorel Mizzi, had purchased the chip stack late in the Full Tilt Sunday major from a one Christopher Vaughn, writer for Bluff Magazine and douche bag extraordinaire.

Random in Crowd: I KNEW IT!! I KNEW IT! ANYONE WHO EVER SAT IN THE SAME ROOM AS JJPRODIGY IS A CHEAT!
Random #2: HAVE HIM TAR AND FEATHERED!
Random #3: HE SHOULD BE SHOT IN THE FACE!!
BrSavage: BLAAARGH! KILL! SMASH! DESTROY!

Judge Adam: ORDER! ORDER DAMN IT! I will have order in my courtroom or I’ll ban you all. Now then, Mr. Yourtimeisup, please continue.

Yourtimeisup: Your honor, it is my belief that this purchase of the stack is not only a violation of the Full Tilt TOC, but it is also bad for the image of poker and is cheating in general, detrimental to the fairness of the game.

Judge Adam: I see, the accusations are noted. Prosecution, will you call your first witness to the stand?

Yourtimeisup: Your honor, the prosecution calls Mr. Mattg1983 to the stand.

*Mattg1983 walks to the stand, the bailiff approaches and places a copy of Super System under his hand*

Baliff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and not pull any bullshit bluffs here or anything?
Mattg1983: I do.

Yourtimeisup: Mr. G, would you please describe the incident that took place some months ago to the courtroom?

Mattg1983: Certainly. I was playing a satellite on UB…

Inissint: Objection! The witness was playing on UB, he’s clearly not in his right mind or credible.

Judge Adam: Overruled, the games are still soft and the structures are deep. Please continue witness.

Mattg1983: Right. So I was playing a satellite for a 17k package to Paris on UB. I came onto the final table with the chip lead and everything was going smooth. There was a player on my left who out of nowhere, started playing very well. What was an easy path to victory suddenly turned into a huge battle that resulted in my losing HU. Not 5 minutes later I get an AIM from Imper1um bragging about winning a Paris package. As I recall, his exact words were “BOO YAH! In your face ‘G, you can’t handle what the Imp is dishing. Betchya wanted that Paris package, but not this time bitch! HAHA! Au revoir, American pig!”

Yourtimeisup: That must have been quite traumatizing for you.

Mattg1983: Yes I…I cried for several hours afterward. I was outraged and offended, I couldn’t believe a player of his success and prominence would stoop to account buying.

Yourtimeisup: I see. Thank you. The prosecution rests. Your witness defense.

Inissint: Quite the story Mr.G, quite the story indeed. Do you happen to have the AIM conversation you’ve described saved anywhere?

Mattg1983: No, I’m afraid not. I didn’t think to save it. I talked to Judge Adam after the event about possibly pursuing ramification or outing Imper1um for his actions, but he advised against it.

Inissint: So you’re saying your lack of evidence is Judge Adam’s fault?

Judge Adam: Stop being a presumptuous moron prosecution! I’ll not have slanderous accusations against the court. I advised the witness that outing Imper1um may risk being ostracized from the community and that is all.

Inissint: I see. Well if that is all and the witness has no proper evidence, then the prosecution rests.

Baliff: You may step down Mr. G

Judge Adam: Would the prosecution please call their next witness.

Yourtimeisup: Your honor the prosecution calls TheWacoKidd to the stand.

*TheWacoKidd walks to the stand, a curious incense like smell following him, and the bailiff puts the copy of Super System under his hand*

Baliff: Do you promise to not lie and all that jazz?

TheWacoKidd: I do.

Yourtimeisup: Mr. Waco, can you inform the court of your knowledge in regards to the incident?

TheWacoKidd: Well from the information I’ve received Imper1um was for sure playing for Chris on FTP, and Chris was playing by himself on Stars. I called him when he was on the final table at stars and said “ok who is playing for you?” and he told me he was, so I told him to type something in the chat box about me and he immediately did, so I’m pretty sure it was him playing on Stars. Obviously Stars would have already taken some form of action if this wasn’t the case.

Yourtimeisup: And as far as the incident on Full Tilt is concerned?”

TheWacoKidd: As I said, from the information I’ve received Imper1um was playing for Chris on Tilt. It’s very likely they were on the phone or AIM and he was giving advice, as up until this point Chris has been a pathetic excuse for a poker player and an imbecile in general, never with the ability to play like he was that day.

Yourtimeisup: Thank you, the prosecution rests. Your witness defense.

Inissint: Mr. Waco, do you have any physical evidence of your claims? Any AIM conversations with Mr. Vaughn or Mr. Mizzi?

TheWacoKidd: Well not at this time no.

Inissint: I see. So for all we know, you could simply be making this all up.

TheWacoKidd: Making it up? To what end? How could that possibly benefit me?

Inissint: Oh I don’t know. Perhaps you were jealous of the defendant’s truly amazing poker abilities in comparison to your own?

TheWacoKidd: That’s ridiculous, I’ve won more this year than he has.

Inissint: Or perhaps the way the railbirds on the forum kiss his ass like it was made of chocolate spiked with cocaine?

TheWacoKidd: You’re way out of line, I’m one of the most popular and respected posters there is. I get my ass kissed more than Donald Trump.

Inissint: Or perhaps you imagined the whole thing, the end result of years spent on hallucinogenic drugs?

Yourtimeisup: Objection! This is online poker we’re talking about, nearly everyone is high 100% the time!

Judge Adam: Sustained. Is anyone in this court room NOT high as kite?

*The crowd murmurs and shakes their head, except for those that are asleep*

Judge Adam: As I thought. Now go get me some Doritos bailiff…and some Snickers bars…oh and some pop tarts, those things are the fucking best. Get some for everyone else too.

Inissint: Alright, that’s all for now. The defense rests.

*As TheWacoKidd gets up and exits the stand, Brsavage leaps up from his chair shoving those in his way, sprinting towards the stand which he leaps into with enthusiasm.*

Judge Adam: Mr. Savage, I don’t recall hearing your name called. Please sit back down and only approach the stand if one of the attorneys calls you.

BrSavage: NO! My opinion is way more important than theirs! It demands to be heard of its own accord and on its own time! I will take the stand now!

Judge Adam: Well since the bailiff is off fetching munchies, I have no recourse. I suppose you may speak.

BrSavage: Damn right I will! I got some important shit to say!

Judge Adam: Prosecution, if you please.

Yourtimeisup: Fine, whatever, let’s make this quick so I can get back to making your children homeless. What do you know about the incident Mr. Savage?

BrSavage: I know that all these little punks deserve to be thrown in a barrel of acid that’s for damn sure! I know Imper1um is guilty because he didn’t say shit and has just waited for this issue to go away. Stupid fucking cheaters! I’LL DESTROY THEM ALL!!

Yourtimeisup: You’ve been an enormous help Mr. Savage. The prosecution rests. Defense, go ahead.

Inissint: Mr. Savage do you have any evidence of cheating whatsoever or are you simply here because you forgot to take your medication?

BrSavage: FUCK YOU! We should take all of their fucking money and NEVER give them the benefit of the doubt.

Inissint: *Rolls his eyes* Yes of course. Screw fair process and all that, well said sir. The defense rests.

*BrSavage exits the stand, glaring at Imper1um the entire time while shaking his fist. The bailiff reenters the room and begins to distribute the munchies to the crowd*

Yourtimeisup: Your honor, the prosecution calls its next witness, Andy Mcleod.

*A suspiciously young looking man quietly walks to the stand and takes his seat. He takes the copy of Super System and sets it underneath him in order to provide proper height*

Yourtimeisup: Mr. Mcleod, what can you tell us about your relationship to the defendant?

Andy Mcleod: Yes well one night earlier this year I was playing 5k heauya! *his voice cracks* Ahem, excuse me, excuse me, I have a bit of a cold. Okay, so I was playing 5k heads up matches while very tilted and playing awful. Suddenly out of nowhere, Imper1um, who I thought was my friend and chatted to on MSN sits down and started playing and registering for every single 5k. Since I was tilted I wasn’t going to just quit down and kept going, but in the end Sorel took me for about 50k that night. He sat already knowing it was free money since I was playing so badly. I would never play one of my friends HU unless it happened that way in an MTT, I was pretty disgusted someone I considered to be my friend would take advantage of that situation.

Yourtimeisup: Did you question him about the incident later?

Andy Mcleod: Yes well he explained in that “I’d rather have the money myself and buy some balla ass shit in Paris than watch you give it to the next donk who sat.” Other than that, I’d say Sorel is a pretty nice guy, and we weren’t best mates or anything, but I still felt pretty disgusted with the whole situation.

Yourtimeisup: Thank you. The prosecution rests.

Inissint: Mr. Mcleod, don’t you think it was your own responsibility to control your emotions and tilt while playing?

Andy Mcleod: Well yes, but still, if he considered me a friend he shouldn’t be looking to take advantage of me in that kind of situation.

Inissint: But poker is a game of money, not friendship. Would you really prefer some random to get your money as opposed to someone you consider your friend?

Andy Mcleod: I would if that friend was only playing me knowing I was in an uneven mental state.

Inissint: I guess your friendship must not be worth very much then, eh, mate? The defense rests.

Judge Adam: Prosecution, your list of witnesses is finished is it not?

Yourtimeisup: It is your honor.

Judge Adam: Defense, do you have any witnesses?

Inissint: Only one your honor, a surprise witness……Imper1um himself.

Random in the crowd: HOLY JESUS GOD!
Random #2: THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MOMENT OF MY LIFE!
Random #3: I JUST LOST IT IN MY PANTS!
*BrSavage’s head explodes*

*Imper1um approaches the stand, wearing nothing but a pair of pajamas and a dirty t-shirt. He throws Super System out from under him on the seat, and winks in the direction of Andy Mcleod*

Inissint: Mr. Imper1um, what are your thoughts on the character witnesses brought in to testify against you?

Imper1um: They are entirely not credible. I never bragged to Mattg1983 after the Paris satellite, in fact I didn’t even win it myself, I merely helped a friend by telling him “you shouldn’t open limp.” That was the only advice I gave him, hardly cheating or having two players to a hand wouldn’t you say? The only message I sent to Mattg1983 said “Hey man you play a really great game and are a truly awesome player. Tough luck on losing out that seat to France, and I wish you the best of luck in the future!”

Mattg1983: Lies! FUCKING LIAR!

Judge Adam: Order! Do not disrupt my court room again or I’ll have you forcibly removed!

Imper1um: And as for Andy Mcleod, well you certainly can’t believe anything he’s said since he’s built a career around a lie, HE’S ONLY 16!

*Andy Mcleod leaps from his seat and glances around nervously*

Some railbird: RUN ANDY! RUN AND CASH YOUR MONEY OUT!

*Andy dashes up from his seat and sprints towards the door, but before he can exit Judge Adam grabs the ban stick at his side and whips it at Andy, striking him in the back of the head, sprawling Andy out on the floor*

Judge Adam: I banish you from Pocket fives Andy Mcleod! You may not return until you are of legal age and don’t put us in a legal quagmire!

*Andy Mcleod lies crumpled on the floor, clawing at his scalp*

Andy Mcleod: NOOOOOOO! MY E-FAAAAAME!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

*The bailiff drags Andy Mcleod from the court room, then throws him onto a yellow school bus outside the court house.*

Inissint: Well I certainly don’t think I can top that, the defense rests.

Yourtimeisup: So Mr. Imper1um, you’ve come onto to the stand and discredited both Mattg1983 and Andy Mcleod, but do you have any actual comment on the reason we’re all here? The night in question?

Imper1um: Yes well um, you see, I’m supposed to give this interview about that in a few days. I mean ya know, whenever it sort of comes together. This weekend maybe or something, I don’t know, it’ll happen.

Yourtimeisup: I see, so you are not directly denying your guilt at this time?

Imper1um: I have no comment at this moment, err yes, that’s right. No comment.

Yourtimeisup: Fine then, the prosecution rests. Christ, why do I waste my time with this shit, I could be making 10k drinking whiskey.

Judge Adam: Well if that is all you may leave the stand Mr. Imper1um. I will now ask the jury to leave into seclusion and decide on a verdict.

And now, we wait. To be continued…

harlem says

Where do you come up with stuff? The poker network should hire you to write a hit show
Nice!!!

12/03/07

Anonymous says

i lol'd so hard

12/03/07

Anonymous says

Very well done and creative! All points are well taken. Great job!

12/07/07

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