Archive Jun 2009: Bond18

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Around the World in 150 Days, Day 58, Entering Las Vegas

June 7th, Los Angeles: I wake up around 10am in the hotel bed next to Andrew. I wasn’t even close to drunk last night but I still feel less than stellar. I lie in bed for a moment and try to collect myself for a moment; I need to get out of this city.

I take a shower and get dressed. I am wearing the same suit and shirt as last night, but I have lost the tie. Andrew wakes up and goes into the bathroom to do the same. I tell him I’m going to go down to the lobby and book and flight.

Down in the lobby I run into a number of guys from last night who tell me about how Ron Jeremy ended up in their room early morning and whipped out his cock in the bathroom to show the girls that were hanging with them. I go over to the one of the computers by the front desk and look up flights to Vegas. I find one leaving in a couple hours and debate whether I can make it. A few of the other guys say they are just about to go to the airport so I book it.

Four of us take a cab to the airport and discuss how our various nights turned out. Andrew and I lament our failure to get into the after party because it sounds like it was absurdly epic, especially since it got broken up by the police. We roulette for the cab ride; I do not lose.

At the airport I say goodbye to Andrew and tell him he should really come visit me in Vegas. He says he’ll consider it. I go through security and sit down in the terminal. I get a text from the girls I met in front of Caesar’s yesterday asking if I’m back in Vegas yet. I tell them I’ll be there in 90 minutes. They say they’re hanging at the pool at the Riviera and I should join them. I say I’ll see them there soon.

The flight back to Las Vegas is uneventful. When we arrive I get off the plane and walk straight to the taxi line. There is no wait; Vegas was not like this in previous years. In the cab I tell the driver to take me to Fashion Show Mall so I can buy a swim suit. In the mall I find the most heterosexual looking swimsuit I can then take it to the counter and flirt with the woman at the cashier.

I take a cab to the hotel. I walk over to the pool then find the nearest bathroom on the casino floor. I go into a bathroom stall, change into my swimming suit, and throw the rest of my clothes in the bag they gave me at the mall. I walk through the casino floor in my shorts while holding my two bags then walk out into the pool and the hot sun of the Vegas desert. I glance around and see the girls waving to me. I walk over and say “Hi girls, you’re both looking quite nice today” and jump down in the recliner they’ve left open for me between the two of them. Gina looks very attractive in her bikini; she is quite tan.

I spend a decent amount of time talking to both girls and getting to know them. Luckily both have an excellent sense of humor. The friend remarks that she would like to know where some people across the pool were getting their giant martinis so I quickly go ask them. Apparently they are available within the casino. We immediately leave our recliners and walk through the casino in our bathing suits to find where they are vended. The friend kindly buys us all massive martinis with as many extra shots allowed. I have not eaten today.

We return to the pool and have a race to see who can finish their martini first. God there is so much tequila at the bottom. I go in the pool alone with Gina and flirt with her while the friend is talking to some loud, drunken Irish guys. I tell Gina I badly will need to get food and talk her into Korean BBQ since it is only a block away and everyone loves that shit. We get out of the pool, dry off, and then walk back to the hotel room.

Up in the room we sit down on the same bed. The friend goes into the bathroom to get changed
“Ah well she’s in the bathroom now then” I remark then lean in and start kissing Gina. She pulls me down into the bed and starts making out with me hard. Eventually the friend comes back out and I go in to get changed as well. When I’m finished we take the elevator down to the lobby and walk out the casino. She is holding my hand.

I severely over order at the restaurant, but there are worse problems to be had in a Korean BBQ joint. The friend says she’s going out clubbing tonight, probably to The Bank. Gina says she’s not sure she wants to go out yet. Please God no clubbing.

We walk back to the hotel after dinner. Once back in the room again the friend goes into the bathroom, this time to shower and get ready to go out, and Gina and I are on each other instantly. She is moving way faster than me and starts ripping to get both of our bottoms off. She asks about a condom; there is one in my wallet. We feverishly have sex on the bed while the friend is a few meters away in the bathroom. After quite a while the friend opens the door a crack and calls out “Is it safe to come out!?”
I pull out and we each grab a blanket to wrap around ourselves. The friend steps into the hotel room
“Uh heeeeey there, how was the shower?” I ask
“…It wasn’t as much fun as you two had.”
“Yea probably not…we’ll uhh, we’ll go get a shower.”

We continue having sex in the shower, which I suppose always lends itself to logistical creativity. Afterward we step out and start drying each other off. I pick up her legs and set her on the sink and keep going. We destroy the entire sink; almost everything is knocked down and there is a constant clatter of noise mixed with the moaning. This goes on for a while until we decide to check in on the friend who is heading out. I glance around the room then say “I apologize for destroying your bathroom, though honestly it was worth it.” We wrap some towels around ourselves and go back into the hotel room then crawl into the bed. The friend says she’s heading out to the club and we say we might meet her. When she exits we go back at it on the bed for quite a lot of time until I finish. We lay there exhausted for a few minutes, then start talking about music, which prompts her to fire up her laptop and play a number of bands we agree on. She has really good taste in music, which appears to very much be her passion. While talking we debate our options for the evening and both agree we’d like to see The Hangover over at Palms.

We get dressed and take a cab over to Palms. For anyone who hasn’t seen the movie; go do so immediately. It is hilarious and we are both dying from pretty much start to finish. Getting to enjoy it in Vegas is particularly fitting. After the film I ask her if she wants to come back to the house and hang out for a bit instead of the club scene and she agrees. Thank you God.

I grab us a cab in front of the hotel and discuss drug use during the ride. She used to be a big stoner and does not give a fuck if I get blazed, and is considering joining me. Sweet. At the house we can’t decide where to hang out, but she’d mentioned that she’s kind of a hippie at heart so I suggest I go get a blanket and some pillows and lay them down outside. She likes the idea a lot. I bring out the computer for music, strawberries for food, vitamin water to drink and then go inside and quickly roll a joint. I lit it up outside and she elects to join me. While smoking she tells me how she used to deal pot in high school and tried a number of different drugs. I ask her to describe her experiences with all of them (not that I’m considering trying more, but I love drug stories.) When we cash the joint I give her a water then start feeding her the strawberries which leads to making out with strawberries in our mouths. This is disrupted when Sirwatts and SEABEAST come home so I call them outside and introduce everyone. They can tell by the look I give them that some shit is about to go down and quickly excuse themselves to bed. I go back to kissing Gina and again things progress very quickly. Minutes later we are having sex on the blanket on the grass and I am curious what Watts will say to me tomorrow if he happens to glance out his window. My knees are getting smashed into the ground but I really don’t care. After half an hour or so it hurts badly enough that I ask to move things inside.

As we’re getting dressed her friend calls and says that she’s accidentally locked herself out of the room and security won’t let her in. Gina tells her that she’ll call a cab and come back for her. We look up a cab company and the dispatch tells her it will be about 20 minutes to get one to the house. When she hangs up she immediately wants to go into the bedroom. It takes me a few minutes to even get into it because I am fucking exhausted. Eventually I return to life and we keep having sex on the bed until the cab company calls while I am mid thrust. I decide I might as well keep going while she’s talking to the driver. When she hangs up she scrambles to get her clothes on though I bother only with underwear. I walk her to the door, open it for her, kiss her hard, and tell her to look me up next time she’s in Vegas since her flight is in the morning.

Inside the house I return to the kitchen and look for some healthy munchies. There is vitamin D milk in the fridge. I suppose I should sleep pretty soon; I have an event tomorrow.

Around the World in 150 Days, Day 57, Playboy Mansion

June 6th, Las Vegas: I wake up in the Vegas house and immediately feel like I ate too much Korean food last night. I’m going to Los Angeles today for the Playboy mansion party, and I am told we should be dressing in all black. Apparently the kid coming with me, Andrew, has booked a hotel room with two beds and since I plan on leaving the next day I don’t even bother packing anything besides my laptop. I throw on my dark grey suit, my black shirt with French cuffs, then eat breakfast and call a cab.

I take a ride into the Strip and get dropped off at the Forum Shops at Caesar’s. I walk outside the hotel and see a cute brown haired girl walking my way with her friend. As she walks by me I tap her on the shoulder and say
“Hi, I know this is very forward of me but I saw you as I was walking down the strip and thought you were really cute and wanted to stop and say hi.”
Both girls immediately react very positively and we start talking about what they’re doing in Vegas, what I’m doing in Vegas, and how the hell it is I’m going to the Playboy mansion in Los Angeles tonight. I tell them I’ll be back tomorrow and ask what they’re doing that day
“Hanging out with you!” says the brunette, whose name is Gina (name changed.) I tell them to put their number in my phone and the friend quickly pulls out her card and tells me to add the cell number on there and that that’ll reach both of them. I add it and call her so she has my number, then I excuse myself and keep walking.

I walk over to the Fashion Show Mall across from Treasure Island and take a brief walk around. I go into Saks Fifth Avenue where I am greeted by Martin, who I’ve gone through for clothes in previous years and still remembers me. They are having a sale on suits and we start looking around for something black with pinstripes. We find the perfect one and he tells me we’ll do the alterations today but he won’t put the sale through until tomorrow when it goes further on mark down. I also pick out a couple of ties, including a dark one to go with my suit for the evening. I ask him to show me how to do the double Windsor knot because mine is rusty. He teaches me to tie one very well.

I take a cab over to the airport. I have no luggage to check in so I’m through security very quickly. I buy a copy of GQ at the magazine store and during my flight and learn that Christian Bale will always come off super intense in an interview even when he clearly wants not to.

We arrive without incident in Los Angeles and I walk out of the airport without having to worry about baggage claim. I take the $60 cab ride to the Roosevelt hotel in Hollywood. I guess people weren’t lying about this place being totally sprawled out. In the lobby I ask for the room of Andrew Voshage, the kid who won the contest run by to get the other ticket on the trip with me. Andrew comes down stairs and we hit it off immediately; he’s just a super chill and normal Midwest guy who is real easy to kick it with. We put my bag in his room and I find out there is only the single bed. Meh, I’ll just try very hard to wind up in someone else’s.

We go downstairs to the café to get some food. A guy Andrew met in his previous days in LA calls and tells him they’re going to meet us. Andrew warns me that the guy he’ll be bringing with him is the single biggest douchebag in the world. I don’t fully comprehend what he means by that until the two guys show up. The douchebag in question (I think his name was Brad?) is a very out of shape man in his late 30’s with a face that is comfortably less than chiseled. I attempt to be polite and nice and he is immediately casually condescending. This leads into constant bragging. At his pinnacle he reaches down and pulls out his iphone, which contains a picture of a hot blonde girl
“See her” he says “I kicked her out of bed on Thursday, ya know? She’ll be coming back for more though…”
He trails off for a moment and lowers his iphone
“Because she wants a ride in the car!” then raises his iphone again to show me a picture of a silver Ferrari. He is 100% serious about all of this. I am flabbergasted at the lack of social intuition.
“Nice ride dude” I reply after a moment with a gleam in my eye. I allow him to continue
“Yea this will be my sixth trip to the mansion, so you know it’s no big deal. I pretty much run the show over there. I can go into the house…” he pauses for a moment then points at me “You can’t…but I can just walk in there whenever I want.”
“Cool man, you’re the boss-man over there huh?”
“Yes I am”
“Well then I appreciate your showing us around tonight, good to have a man of experience running the show.”
He is satisfied with my gratitude and returns to eating his fries.

Eventually the two guys leave. Andrew and I immediately go berserk over the biggest douchebag in the world interaction.
“I told you dude! He’s the worst ever” he says
“I mean Jesus, I thought you were serious but good fucking God that dude is unreal”
“And get this, his friend told me that the girl in the picture is in fact an escort and Playboy girl madam who found him so intolerable she left without fucking him on Thursday.”
“So epic. So predictable.”

After we finish our food we go into the front of the hotel and meet up with a number of other 2+2’ers including ‘Wandigo’ and ‘Bkice’. We wait around for quite a while as the Absolute Poker people wait for two people who are missing. They never show and we take the huge ass Hummer limo with a group of about eight:
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(And one with just Andrew and I because he’s the shit)
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We start slamming down the bottles of liquor and juice in the cooler. Some guy in the front asks anyone if they want some free weed “You sir are truly a king among men, to give away something as precious as weed” I tell him. We finish all the bottles. ‘Bkice’ suggest I bust out a “Gray Poupon” on someone and I immediately agree. I roll down the window and watch LA go by as I patiently await my opportunity. Finally we pull up to some 30ish looking dude in a sports car.
“EXCUSE ME SIR!” I yell in an absurd British accent, causing him to look up
“DO YOU HAVE ANY GRAY POUPON!?” then I start slowly sliding down and putting the window up laughing “HA HA HA HA HA!” loudly in the same slow absurd accent. The car bursts into enormous laughter and I am rolling on the ground.
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“Jesus he’s so pissed! That guy is so angry!” they are all yelling.
“What the fuck for?” I ask “I’d be dying if someone did that to me. That shit doesn’t happen every day. I mean shit, when was the last time nailed you with a Gray Poupon?”

We continue on our long journey until we finally arrive at the gates of the mansion. They drive us to the front of the Mansion and allow us to bypass the line because apparently Absolute Poker has sprung for a cabana. The hostess lady escorts us over and I am immediately attempting to chat her up. In the cabana she explains that we’ll have two servers and bottle service all night. Both service girls are really hot. I immediately turn to Andrew
“We need to go get girls, right now!”
“Easy there man, let’s grab a drink first.”
“Alright but let’s make this very quick, as far as I’m concerned this is the Super Bowl of pick up and I’m not gonna waste a single second. I mean look at this fucking place.” We glance around the room; it is absolutely packed with hot girls dressed in either lingerie or nothing
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And those hot girls, they’ve brought Oompa Loompa’s with them.
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We quickly make our drinks and immediately after I walk onto the party floor and approach the first two hot girls I see
“Hi girls, how’s it going tonight?”
“Good! You?” they say enthusiastically
“Going quite well for me, where’s your girls boys tonight?”
“We haven’t met many yet”
“Well I’ve got a ton of awesome guys you should come meet in the cabana, I can promise you they’re considerably more outgoing and direct than I am too.”

I walk the two girls into the cabana and introduce them around. I start chatting up the tall brunette one. She says she’s from New York City and her name is Lisa (name changed.) I tell her I’m coming to New York in July. She suggests a helicopter ride. I tell her it’s a date and to put her number in my phone. She does so. Eventually the two girls excuse themselves to go wander around the party.

Andrew and I decide to wander around the party just taking in the sights. He also needs to use the bathroom. There is even a cute girl who has to man the port-o-poties and I start talking to her about how her night is going. It is immediately clear that she is used to being ignored at these parties and I guess considering she’s dressed plainly next to a bunch of naked women that’s not shocking. I ask her if any guys ever bring her drinks. She says very rarely. I tell her we got a bunch of bottles some quasi legitimate poker site bought us and I’ll bring her one. She asks for a screwdriver.

I walk back towards the cabana with Andrew. In the moving crowd I pass a girl in blue lingerie and say
“Blue is really your color, you look gorgeous tonight.”
“Thanks, I like your accent!” she says back
“Then we’ll have to talk later.”
The crowd keeps moving and we’re separated. Andrew and I reenter the cabana and find out the bottles of Cristal are about to be opened. I decide to take a brief break from hitting on women to drink some of the pretentious alcohol. “I don’t know, it tastes pretty good to me Miles” I loudly state to see if anyone can catch a Sideways reference.

As I’m drinking a glass the girl in the blue lingerie walks past our cabana. I quickly walk over to her and say “Hey I’m supposed to talk to you.” We hit it off immediately and I invite her and her friend in pink lingerie into our cabana. I introduce them around and Andrew starts wingmaning with the girl in pink.
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Turns out the girl in blue and I have a considerable amount in common and she has a really easy going sense of humor. We take the two of them out onto the dance floor and we start grinding. After a while we see actor Crispin Glover hanging at a table and we go over to ask for a picture. He briefly poses for us then immediately goes back to chatting up his blonde.
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We look over at a cabana that is packed with people behind a rope and many camera men. Peering inside we catch a brief glimpse of Hugh Hefner, though gaining access to him so I could say something totally absurd (I’d hoped to tell him I think he’s a homosexual looking for the best possible cover up to stay in the closet) is unfortunately impossible
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While looking in the cabana she remarks “Don’t you think it’s gross how much older he is than his girlfriends?” She had told me she’s 23 earlier. “Well you wouldn’t like me then, at 24 I’m a lecherous old man next to you. Stay away from me.” I playfully push her away from me.

We return to the cabana and the lingerie clad girls we are hanging with tell us they’re going to go off and look around the party and be back later. I made sure to get the girl in blue’s number. I tell Andrew it’s time to go looking for more girls. I pour a drink for the girl working the port-o-poties and we walk to the bathrooms. I give her the drink and tell her it’ll cost a kiss on the cheek. She’s completely shocked I remembered and quickly kisses me then tells me I’ll be getting a ton of them tonight because I’m so sweet. “We’re certainly gonna try” I tell her.

Andrew and I wander back through the party. We hit on some girls; not very much happens. I walk past a woman holding a pink umbrella sitting down
“Nice parasol” I say to her
“Thanks but it’s actually an umbrella”
“Yes I noticed, and quite pink”
I start chatting up Brandi “like the alcohol”, who tells me she is a stripper in Las Vegas. I tell her that’s something we have in common and we get into the business of my work. I keep teasing her.
“Do you know why men wear ties to parties Brandi like the alcohol?” I ask
“No why’s that?”
I hold up my tie to her and say “Hold this”. She does. “Now pull in” I say. She does, and as she inevitably drags me close I lean in and start making out with her. It’s the called “The tie trick” and I developed it while out half drunk one night in Madison. It’s why I wear ties on the weekend now.

Brandi and I make out for quite a while, with her jamming her tongue down my throat. I tell her to put her number in my phone. I tell her I’m entering her name “Brandi like the alcohol. Okay, now for more” then lean in and start making out with her again. “See ya around, call ya soon!”

I go back towards the cabana and pour myself another drink. I walk back onto the floor and start chatting to two girls near the dance floor. They engage me, but also tell me they are lesbians.
“I call bullshit! Make out right now!” I half yell at them. They immediately start hardcore making out and groping each other. “Boo yah!” I exclaim while watching. I start dancing with both of them and they grind me for a while until some random Euro trash guy shows up and pulls one of them off. Fucking Euro trash ruining my fun. At some point the song ends and I tell my girl I’ll take her and her girlfriend to the cabana, and they ditch the Euro.

In the cabana I start asking a shit ton of questions about their relationship. Eventually we get on the subject of sex. I ask if they ever get a guy involved. They say sometimes they do, but they’re almost always unsatisfactory and too brief
“Oh that shit wouldn’t happen with me, I can handle all that shit. I go forever!”
“That’s what all the guys say!”
“Fuck that shit! I am the fucking man for that job!” The alcohol is starting to take hold.

Eventually I lose track of the lesbians in the sea of nudity and booze that is the party. I go walk around the outside area and chat up random women. I wind up making out with two of them (I can’t remember how that shit happened, probably the tie trick) and collect three numbers, including a girl I chatted up for 30 seconds. The truth is; random numbers you collect during drunken moments at parties are pretty much pointless. No way that girl ever remembers you, and certainly not after a 30 second interaction. I walk over to the dance floor and pass Tom Green on my way. On the dance floor I start grinding with some random girl and then suddenly Snoop Dogg jumps on stage and starts rapping his ass off.
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I try to get girls to dance with me during the performance but they are all so totally zoned in on Snoop that I get shot down almost every time. That’s what I get for trying to compete with a pimp like that.

At some point I wind up back in the cabana. The girls in lingerie come by and say they were looking for us. We start rebuilding the attraction with them and I quickly remember how easy it was to get along with her. I am flirting heavily. I ask her if she knows why guys wear ties at parties. We are lightly kissing seconds later. Someone suggests we all go to the grotto. I don’t have any swim suit but the girl in blue lingerie wants to go so I’m fucking going. Besides, this could be my only chance to swim in the Playboy mansion grotto, so passing it up seems like a terrible idea. As we’re walking towards it Snoop Dogg is walking through the crowd and the girl in blue says she really wants a picture with him. I immediately step right in front of his entourage and loudly say
“HEY SNOOP! My girl is a huge fan dude, can you take a picture with her?”
“Yea sure man” he replies.
I try to put my arm around him in the picture, and his enormous bodyguard behind me immediately pushes my arm off.
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The group walks into the cave like area that is the grotto and many of us strip down to our underwear and jump in. The grotto is filled with men in underwear, girls in underwear, and just flat out naked girls. Someone says a couple is having sex in the corner. I don’t bother checking because I’m too busy hitting it off with the girl in blue.
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Meanwhile, somewhere else in the party, 2+2’er Wandigo was busy being the fucking man:
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After hanging out in the grotto for a long time security comes and tells us we all have to leave as the party is over. I have trouble finding all the pieces of my clothing on the mats, and it takes a while to get fully dressed. Outside the cave the four of us have to line up to wait for a ride in the shuttle. I’m talking to the girl in blue the entire time and we’re finding out that we have a ton in common. She is shivering. I give her my jacket and tell her to not even try to refuse it. We’re both fitness nuts and discuss how we’d love to have a first date where we went for a run instead of the normal cliché things. I tell her if she makes her way to Vegas we’ll have that run and I’ll cook dinner afterward. She tells me she’ll seriously consider coming. Boo yah.

It takes half an hour to get to the shuttles. When we board I sit down next to the girl in blue and we spend the whole ride home talking. I feel pretty sober. We are getting on very well. Behind me Andrew has really hit it off with her friend in pink, and she seems really into him. The girl in blue tells me she is absolutely shocked that she kissed me at the party, that she never does things like that.

When we get off the shuttle at the parking lot the two of us couples stand around talking. They say they need to be getting home, that it’s an hour drive. We invite them to the hotel. They decline because of the long drive. I can tell that the girl in blue is pretty conservative but it really seems like the one in pink wants to jump Andrew. Each couple kisses a few more times and then they leave.

On the corner we run into another guy from the party. We discuss how we’re going to get home. Andrew is texting with the girl in pink. He says they’re willing to give us a ride to the hotel. Sweet.

They pick us up in their SUV and drive us half an hour over to the hotel, in what I think was in the opposite direction of what they were going, which is very nice of them. At the hotel they again decline Andrew’s invitation to hang out for a while. We say our goodbyes and the three of us get out of the car.

In the lobby we hear about the after party going on up in a suite, but apparently nobody else is being allowed in. Andrew and I decide to go get a hamburger at the café next door instead (end result of that after party was numerous guys getting action and Wandigo winding up with Ron Jeremy in his hotel room.)
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After we finish our food we go back to Andrew’s room. It’s past 4am and we’re both exhausted. There’s no rooms left downstairs and I ask if he cares if I crash on the other side of the huge bed. He does not. We strip down and get into bed, lying back to back. I went to the Playboy mansion and wind up sleeping next to a man; I think the gay guy from Friday was right about me.

Around the World in 150 Days, Day 56, Bond18 and the Homosexual Groper

June 5th, Las Vegas: I wake up in the upstairs room of the Vegas house. I take shower, eat breakfast, and then set up my laptop on the table in the living room. I hook in my monitor as well but after doing so I realize it alters the resolution on the laptop and makes things more uncomfortable then it does convenient so I just go back to the single screen.

I fire up table after table of online tournaments and register for most anything I can get my hands on. During my grind I chat to a number of friends and invite them over to smoke a joint then go out and meet girls. I play about 30 tournaments over the course of the day and wind up winning a small one on Stars, the 30 double rebuy add on, for just under $3,000, which at least gives me some profit for the day; a rarity when at the WSOP.

By the time my grind finishes my friends Shawn Green from Cardplayer and ‘Letmelive’ on 2+2 have shown up, and house mate Joel Dodds has agreed to go out with us. ‘Letmelive’ brought over his own peach flavored blunt, which the two of us step outside and take some hits from. I let him do most of the smoking because attempting to talk to girls while in a state of weed induced paranoia rarely works well (and Lord knows I’ve tried) and tell him he is a hero for having brought the weed to the party.

Shawn drives us over to Town Square and we go into the chilled out beer drinking establishment Yardhouse. We grab some drinks then sit down at a table. I glance around the place and see two cute looking girls in a booth with no guys. I walk over to the booth with my beer, sit down next to one of them, and tell them they have to keep me company because my group is turning me into a third wheel. They initially seem reserved but I just keep talking and start turning things around. I realize they are much older than I had thought; at least in their 30’s. They do not seem thrilled about the age difference. I hang out with them for like 30 minutes and although the interaction is mostly positive I don’t really click with either and eventually excuse myself.

I meet back up with the guys and we decide to bail out. I approach a table with two girls at it on our way out, but they tell me they have boyfriends. I exit immediately. We go back to the parking lot, get into Shawn’s car, and drive over to the Rio to meet up with some people who are apparently at a birthday party at NDFuego’s.

We wait in line at the club for a while and are told there is going to be a cover for us; I hope this shit is good. We go inside the club and meet up with a group of people that Shawn knows. I glance around the club and it is fairly empty and the dance floor is nearly devoid of people; fuck. Most of the girls I see are with other guys. I take a walk around the club and spot two hot women at a bar and they are ordering drinks. I walk up with ‘LetmeLive’ and say
“Well as long as you girls are getting drinks why don’t you buy me one?”
They do not buy either of us a drink, though don’t totally blow us out. We hang around chatting a bit but then they mention they are married. We politely excuse ourselves.

We go back to the booth and hang around and drink for a while. I see a few hot girls on the dance floor and go over and tell one she should dance with me. It’s so damn loud she can’t even hear me and just looks confused, then turns back around. Fucking clubs.

I return to the table and continue drinking. There are no more women around the place I see that I can reasonably approach. Many people in the table area are dancing and grinding, including the birthday girl. I stand up for a moment and she grabs me and we start dancing. She is dancing with another dude who I am told is gay. Said gay rumor is confirmed when he starts heavily hitting on me. Then he reaches down and gropes my crotch and licks his lips at me. Having been a theatre major I am accustomed to homosexuals, so I don’t lose my shit and calmly say
“Sorry dude, I’m as straight as they come. Nothing down there for you” then I point to the birthday girl “Only for her.”
“Sorry! I am so Sorry!” he says “I’m just so drunk is all! I even have a boyfriend; I’m not usually like this. I’m Sorry!” he continues then he grabs my crotch again and starts making kissing faces at me. Damn, this gay dude is drunk as hell.

This sequence continues for the next 20 minutes or so of dancing and grinding. The gay guy gropes me in the area of 10 times, and each time I stay chill and tell him I’m straight. Then he apologizes profusely and winds up grabbing me again. Eventually the birthday girl gets annoyed and lectures him. He suggests that he fuck the both of us. I decline his offer. Then he asks if I’m sure I’m not gay.
“Look dude I’m gonna clarify to you once and for all that I’m straight”
I throw my arm around the birthday girl and start making out with her very hard. She is quite receptive. She pins me against the wall separating our table from the dance floor and we make out for quite a while. I hear someone yell “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” behind us. She seems pretty drunk. I’m fairly sure the gay guy gropes me again at some point; it’s all pretty blurry and loud and with lots of tongue in my mouth so who can really tell?

Eventually the birthday girl says she’s leaving and wants me to take down her number. I do so. I hang around with Shawn and ‘Letmelive’ for a while exchanging “What the fuck” faces at the whole sequence for a while. We decide to leave.

Walking out of the club I make eye contact with a cute Asian girl in a group of about eight of them. She stares back. I say hi. She says hi back. I walk up to her and say
“You know you can’t just look at me like that and expect me not to come say hello”
She is a little shocked but clearly pleased. A few sentences later she says
“You need to take your shirt off”
“Then you need to be the one to take it off” I retort.
She starts unbuttoning my shirt and I throw my arm around her. I am told I need to give the girl getting married a kiss. I can tell she’s a little uncomfortable with it so I tell her
“We’ll keep it PC and go for a kiss on the cheek” and she relaxes. The other Asian girl is groping my now opened shirt chest throughout all of this. The group says they want to leave, so I tell the girl I have my arm around to put her number in my phone. She says she doesn’t have one but that I can take down her hotel room number. I do so immediately and say I’ll call her in an hour. Vegas is a strange place.

We leave the Rio and I talk everyone into going for Korean BBQ. We drive down to my favorite joint in the strip mall just past the Wynn and I order way too much food. An hour into the meal I call the Bellagio and ask for the room number I was given and give the girls first name. They tell me I have to have the last name. I attempt to talk my way out of it and fail miserably. One of Shawn’s platonic female friends is hanging out with us for dinner and says she’ll try as well in a few minutes. When she does she faces the same rejection. You win this time, Bellagio hotel.

Shawn drives us home and I stumble exhausted into the Vegas house. I have clearly eaten too much Korean food. I need to sleep immediately.

Around the World in 150 Days, Day 55, Bad Ratio

June 4th, Las Vegas: I wake up at 10:45am in the Vegas house. I take a shower, get dressed, and go downstairs for breakfast. Again I am the first one up, though Joel and Stevo soon find their way into the living room with me. Eventually we take the drive into the Rio, and I rush over to the registration booth so I can get in before the tournament starts.

I find my way over to my table in the Amazon room. I do not recognize anyone on my table. We start the $2000 no limit hold’em tournament with 6000 chips and 25/50 blinds. The first couple orbits go by quietly and I lose a small amount of chips in irrelevant pots, and then get involved with a young guy who doesn’t appear to be a serious online player though I can’t be sure:
My stack: ~5500, UTG+: ~6000, I hold TdTh in MP1.
Preflop: UTG folds, UTG+1 raises to 250, UTG+2 folds, I call in MP1, folds to the button, button calls, SB folds, BB calls.
Flop: Qd 9d Jc
Everyone checks to the button who bets 625, the BB folds, UTG+1 calls, I call.
Turn: Qc
Everyone checks.
River: Ks
UTG+1 checks, I bet 1500, the button folds, UTG+1 thinks briefly and calls, then mucks when he sees my hand.

For a considerable period of time almost nothing happens. Orbit after orbit goes by and there is little change in my stack. I’m moved tables during the second level and wind up next to a woman who is the mom of the kid I took a pot off with the straight. Online player JasonGray is across the table, and the three of us talk for quite a while between hands. She is really nice, and I joke around with her considerably. We get on the subject of dating and JasonGray and I start discussing what personality traits we like in a woman. I tell her that I’ve got no regular girl in Vegas and I’m going to go out and look for one, preferably with a great sense of humor. Her card protector has a picture of her son on one side and a picture of her cute 19 year old daughter on the other, which she picks up and points to when I make the sense of humor remark
“She’s really cute, does she like well traveled men with appalling morals?” I ask her. The mom cracks up; I guess sense of humor is genetic.

Not long after our extended chat I get involved in another pot when I get JJ all in pre flop against a short stack with 2150 who turns over AK. The board runs out T 8 6 5 2 and my stack slides up to about 12,000. Not long into the next orbit I get involved again:
My stack: ~13,000, HJ: 4125, UTG+1: ~15000 blinds 100/200 with 25 ante. I hold AhKh in the SB.
Preflop: UTG folds, UTG+1 raises to 550, folds to the HJ who makes it 1700, it folds to me in the SB and I think my options over then make it 3000 since UTG+1 is the kind of player who will only five bet jam with KK and AA in that spot, UTG+1 folds, the HJ puts the rest of his stack in and I call. He shows QQ and the board runs out 9 3 4 5 6 to double him up.

Not long after losing the flip I’m moved tables yet again, and find myself across from the friendly Scott Montgomery who I immediately strike up a conversation with. There’s also a middle aged woman named Melissa who starts talking to me about real estate and fashion, and as I’m in a suit she remarks how well dressed I am. She is good friends with Perry Friedman, a super friendly guy I’ve known for a few years now who has the tendency to screw around and grab my ass just to mess with me. He comes over to the table and tells her referring to me “Yea Tony is a nice guy, and the second best dressed man in poker.” I instantly explode in a joking tone at him
“EXCUSE ME!? What did you say? Second best? What the fuck Perry?!”
“Sorry buddy, Marcel Luske is the best.”
“Oh come on, don’t get me wrong Marcel is a super well dressed guy but he never mixes it up. It’s a suit and tie every day, like clockwork. Where’s the element of surprise?”
“He’s right, it’s like a uniform for him” adds Melissa.
That said; Marcel has the sickest suit collection in poker outside of maybe Jeffrey Pollack and they are all impeccably tailored, so much love for him. Shortly after my sartorial scuffle I get involved again:
My stack: ~9500, BB: 6700, Scott: ~20,000, I hold AsKd in MP2 at 100/200 blinds with 25 ante.
Preflop: UTG folds, Scott raises to 550, two folds, I reraise to 1600, it folds to the BB who is an old guy who has been super weak and a mix of tight (with aggression) and loose (with calling.) The BB thinks for a bit and calls, and Scott thinks briefly then folds. I have no fucking clue what the old guy is doing or what his range is.
Flop: Ac 7h 8h
Guess it doesn’t matter. The old guy leads out 2000, leaving himself 3100 behind. Because it’s live poker he might actually fold if I shove, so I call.
Turn: 5s
The old guy shoves and I instantly call expecting to see a chopped pot or AQ. Then he tables Ah6h. Oh God I am so incredibly fucked here.
River: Qh
I count out 3100 more in chips and slide them over, leaving me quite short. A few hands later I get moved to another table, making me now forever unable to take advantage of the excellent play of the old guy. The table is playing quite aggressively and when the blinds go up to 150/300 with a 25 ante I find myself very short stacked but helpless to do anything about it because there is constantly aggression in front of me and I’m too short to resteal.

After being inactive for a while I find AJ in late position and it’s folded to me. I shove 2450 and a young guy on my left quickly reshoves about 6000 in total as well. The blinds fold and I table my AJ while saying “I miiiiiiiight be ahead?” He reluctantly turns over his AT. The board runs out 4 6 Q 5 4 and I double up. Again I go absurdly card dead after that, and then we are sent off to dinner.

When we return I find JhJs UTG with 4800 in chips at 200/400 with a 50 ante. I open shove and it folds to a guy in late position who slides out a giant stack of yellow ‘1000’ chips to isolate me. Everyone else folds and he flips up his QQ. I stand up and button my jacket.
Flop: Qh 5h 2s
“Well guys I’ll be seeing ya” I say as I take a step away from the table
Turn: 7h
“Errrrrrrrr hold on a second then maybe not.”
River: 5d
“Okay now I’m done, best of luck guys!”

I walk away from the table and text Stevo to let him know I busted. He gives me a ride back to the house and I hang out with him and Joel for a while then grill us some food. I’m in the mood to meet some women tonight, so I text Luckychewy and Plattsburgh and tell them to swing by and we’ll go out and chat up some girls.

The two of them make their way over around 10pm and we decide to first go out to The Yardhouse over at Town Square just south of the strip. We walk in and immediately realize there are no women around, so we walk upstairs to Blue Martini, a cocktail bar that has live music. Before I can give him the slightest encouragement Chewy sits down at the bar next to a girl who is a solid nine and starts chatting to her. I keep walking with Plattsburgh towards the far end of the bar and Chewy soon joins us after getting blown out. There is a group of three girls behind us and I tell Chewy to go approach them. He chats for a bit but unfortunately has to eject when he finds out one is married and the other two have boyfriend’s.

We walk around the club and realize there are very few girls. We take a table outside and I see a group of four girls at a table not far away. I walk over and say
“Hi girls, I saw you from across the bar and thought; well there’s a table of four rather attractive women and no men, that’s a pretty bad ratio, so I came over to even things out.” They quickly accuse me of being a car salesman. They give me a little shit at the start of the interaction, but I keep my cool and give it right back. We all start joking around considerably, though it’s unfortunate that up close they are clearly all well into their 30’s and not particularly attractive. The most outgoing girl in the group starts engaging me considerably and tells me I’m on a one to four scale, and if I reach four I have to leave. I ask her where I am now; she says I’m at two. She tells me she works at the immigration department. I ask her if she uses the same ranking system when deciding whether immigrants get to stay in the country or not.

Eventually the girls get up to go salsa dancing and I don’t bother coming. I go back to the table and the three of us start chatting up our waitress. Plattsburgh has trouble with approach anxiety (quite common and fixable through experience) though is very natural once he’s already talking with a girl, though during one part of our interaction with the waitress he drops that I won a tournament in Asia, which I did not. When she eventually leaves I tell him
“No more made up shit dude. We’ve got enough going for us that we don’t need to bother with that kind of crap, and if we’ve actually got ability with women then we should assume we can attract them through direct means.” I hit on a shit ton of women, but I stopped lying to them a long time ago, and can profess from experience that building any relationship with a woman (or any person really) on a foundation of lies feels awful and is mentally exhausting.

We decide that our current bar is not happening so we’ll go over to Voodoo in the Rio. As we’re walking out there are three hot girls behind us and I start talking to them. They engage me for a moment, but then I fuck up what’s known as a “compliance test” and they suddenly eject, leaving me standing there looking dumb. Live and learn.

Plattsburgh drives us over and once in the hotel we take the long elevator ride up to the top of the building and club. We get out onto the floor and I tell Chewy to approach some girls who are dancing, which he instantly does. They don’t dance with him. We go to the outside dance floor, which is disappointingly devoid of women without men around them. I hit on some Asian girl on the dance floor who is talking to her friend, but it seems her boyfriend or husband is around or something and she’s not going to dance with me. I walk through the crowd and run into two girls dancing together and tell one of them that she needs to dance with me. She starts to and we grind for quite a while and I start chatting her up. This goes on for a while, and things escalate in terms of physical proximity, though no make out happens. I tell her to put her number in my phone and that we’ll hang out tomorrow. We exchange kisses on the cheek and she leaves with her friend. It is getting late so the three of us decide to call it a night and drive back to mine.

Back at the house Plattsburgh drops Chewy and I off and we hang outside for a little while discussing when we’ll go out and do it all over again. Eventually Chewy heads home and I sit around reading and eating health foods. I start feeling tired.

Around the World in 150 Days, Day 54, Delivery Man

June 3rd, Las Vegas: I wake up naturally at 10:30am in the house. I take a shower, put on a suit, and go downstairs for breakfast. I am the first one up and sit quietly on my computer while eating cereal. Eventually Sirwatts and SEABEAST wake up and get ready to leave. We’ve all bought in so there’s little rush, and we leave in time to arrive about ten minutes before the event.

I find myself seated in the Miranda room for the beginning of the $1,500 six max no limit hold’em event. We start with 4500 in chips and again I find no familiar faces waiting for me at the table. I play a few small early pots with the 25/50 and wind up talking to a chill guy from Arizona on my left that I see play a flush draw extremely aggressively. He seems pretty aggressive overall, and with that read I get involved in my first major pot:
My stack: ~4000, BB: ~9000, blinds 25/50, I hold TdTh in the SB.
Preflop: Folds to the CO, CO raises to 150, button folds, I call in the SB, BB calls.
Flop: 3s 9s 5c
I check, BB leads 300, CO folds, I call.
Turn: 2c
I check, BB bets 800, I call.
River: Jh
I check probably intending to call if he bets given his image and how many draws blanked off, plus he might think he can value bet a strong nine and it’s questionable whether he’d flop donk sets. He checks behind and when I table my tens he mucks.

We continue chatting between hands and he tells me about the time he was bitten by a rattlesnake at age nine and how it was the most absurdly painful thing imaginable, then about the time a car accident at age 14 left him a liver cut in half from the seatbelt and a one percent chance of living according to his doctor. I tell him I broke a bone once and feel like the lesser man. We talk until the blinds go up, and I get involved again:
My stack: ~5,300, BB: ~7,000, blinds are 50/100, I hold As Ad on the CO.
Preflop: Folds to me on the CO, I raise to 300, two folds, BB calls.
Flop: Qc 6d 3d
BB checks, I bet 400, BB calls.
Turn: 6h
BB checks, I bet 1000, BB calls.
River: 7s
BB checks, I shove for 3500, BB goes into the tank, calls, and flashes a queen when I table my aces then mucks.

After doubling through I steadily bleed chips in small pots for a while. Near the end of the level I find myself involved again with a guy who has been open raising fairly frequently:
My stack: ~8,500, HJ: 3,800, blinds 50/100, I hold AcJd in the BB.
Preflop: UTG folds, HJ raises to 275, folds to me in the BB, I call.
Flop: 2c 3c Tc
I check, HJ bets 325, I checkraise to 1050, HJ shoves for 3500, I call, HJ shows Qc8c and stands up from the table.
Turn: Qs
River: 9h
I tell him nice hand and slide over the necessary chips, then go back to talking to my table mate on the left. We discuss which school is a better party school, Arizona State or Wisconsin. Stories are exchanged. Just a few hands later I am involved again:
My stack: ~5,500, BB: ~2,500, blinds 50/100 I hold AcQc on the HJ.
Preflop: UTG raises to 300, I call, folds to the BB, the BB shoves, UTG folds, I call. BB shows ATo.
Flop: 5d Qh Jh
Turn: 6s
River: 5h
He taps the table and walks away. I stack my chips over 8000. Not long after I get moved tables and find Gobboboy and Pacman on my immediate left. I greet them enthusiastically then naturally start fucking around with both of them. A few orbits into my stay I get involved with Pacman:
My stack: ~8,500, Pacman: ~12,000, blinds 75/150, I hold Kh8h on the button.
Preflop: Folds to me on the button, I raise to 400, SB folds, Pacman calls in the BB.
Flop: T 6 4 rainbow with a heart
Pacman checks, I bet 600, Pacman thinks for a while and checkraises to 1800. I have almost never floated a checkraise in my life, but I think this spot is interesting. He never has two pair, rarely has a ten worth checkraise/calling on a board that has little I can three bet shove, and is aware there are few hands I can bet/3 bet all in. I decide that if I flat him and he’s bluffing he’s going to have to give up the turn a ton since there’s little I can be peeling on. I call.
Turn: 5
Pacman fires out 3,500 and I fold and immediately feel like a retard.

Only a couple orbits after my hero float attempt find myself involved again:
My stack: ~6,000, SB: ~7,500, Button: ~1,100, blinds 75/150 I hold JdJh in the BB.
Preflop: Folds to the button, the button moves all in, the SB quickly reshoves, I move all in immediately. The button tables Q5o, the SB KK.
Flop: K 7 2 rainbow
Turn: X
I shave his hand, have a good laugh with Gobbo and Pacman, and walk away from the table.

I walk over to the Starbucks in the Rio and find TT from 2+2 and Adam Schwartz still sitting in the café where I’d had a coffee on break with them. TT is one of my fellow few haberdashers in poker and we spend a while discussing the best places to get a suit in town. There is a cute blonde girl sitting literally against the outside wall of the shop
“Guys that girl is cute right? I’m gonna go talk to her” I say
“Oh for sure, go for it” says Adam. TT says he doesn’t like the brand of shorts she’s wearing (I can’t remember which)
“Wait, are you crazy? You don’t want me to approach her because she’s wearing straight forward shorts? I mean, she’s genuinely attractive right, how are shorts relevant.”
“Eh, you can do better, I don’t care for her shorts, she won’t interest you.”
“Damn dude that’s crazy talk, I’m going for this.”
Adam is equally confused by TT’s suggestion.

I walk outside the coffee store and take a seat sitting next to her against the wall
“Excuse me, but wouldn’t it be more comfortable to sit down inside the café?”
“Oh well I’m just charging my phone while waiting for someone to come meet me.”
“Ah, a boyfriend playing in the World Series?” (Which is a super common problem with Rio approaches, though it is not recommendable to ask about a boyfriend in most scenarios.)
“Ah alright then I won’t get you in any trouble then, have a good one.”

I walk back into the café and tell the guys I want to go into the city to try and find some better situations to approach. TT says he’s going to the press conference of Mario Botelli and a cocktail party afterward and I can get into plenty of trouble there. I agree to join instantly.

Twenty minutes later we are driving over to the Venetian in his silver Miata and we’re talking about everything. As a result of having spent time in and around the fashion industry he’s one of the best dressed and informed guys I’ve ever met, and knows as much about the goings on in poker as anyone I’ve spoken to. Then we discuss our taste in women and go on at length about preferences. He tells me I will have trouble finding an intelligent and humorous woman in Vegas and that most of the women he’s dated are from out of town.

We arrive at the Venetian and walk over to the atrium near the escalators where they have set up a farmers market. We go upstairs to get a drink, and then rejoin the crowd back downstairs where we meet Entity and Deathdonky from 2+2. Mario Botelli gives a speech of some kind but I don’t hear a word because I’m trying to tell if the woman in the blue dress in front of me is with the guy standing next to her. When I walk up next to her I find the situation to be much worse; she is wearing an enormous diamond wedding ring. I say nothing.

After the speeches finish we go over to the cocktail party. The guy to girl ratio is horrible so I just drink a couple glasses of red wine to get me in the right mind set for the kick ass dinner we’re about to have. We decide to leave the party due to the lack of women to talk to. We go upstairs to the restaurant area and stand out by the bar and I spot a group of four attractive women sitting at a table in the outside area of the next restaurant over. I tell Adam I’m going in and walk out of the bar, over to the restaurant, past the host, then straight up to the table and say to the four girls who I now realize are way older and plastic looking than I thought
“Hi girls, I’m sorry to interrupt dinner but I was at the bar over there with my friends and we were all remarking how gorgeous this table all looks tonight. We’re about to head down to dinner fairly soon, but you all should meet up my group later, I can assure you my friends are more outgoing and interesting than I am, I know I’m quite a bore.”
I make a fair bit of small talk about where they’re from, why we’re all in town, and crack a joke or something before I get them to agree to meet us out. I take out my phone and direct it at the younger looking one and have her plug her number in while I continue to talk. I thank them and walk away. I get back to the bar. I tell the guys we will not be intending to meet them out for drinks.

We go to dinner at a restaurant in the Venetian that is having a special three course set menu for the special Botelli farmer’s market launch thing. I see Gavin Griffen and what turns out to be Hoss_TBF across the restaurant and we have them come over to join our table. We get some wine and enjoy a hell of a meal. I’m getting a bit tipsy and TT offers me a ride home. I accept.

When we arrive I get out of the car and tell him I’m going to drag his ass out for a big night on the town soon. When I walk inside I find Stevo and Joel waiting for me. They say I should call the weed delivery guy about getting an order. Stevo gives me the number and I call the guy up and tell him I’m a poker player in Vegas for the WSOP and that some Canadian friends (such a good people) recommended that I call him for “supplies”. He says he lives only minutes away and will be over shortly. I play a game of pool with Joel while we wait; he thrashes me.

Five minutes after the call the dealer shows up with a cooler of weed. He has a variety of different types that he lays out
“Head high, body high, fuck I can’t tell the difference” he says. We buy a bag of each kind. I say to him “I’m going to ask you what I ask all my drug dealers, wanna take a picture with me?” He has a cool ass sense of humor and tells me to feel free to call anytime we need a delivery. What a lovely situation.

We roll up a joint and three of us smoke it. It’s a fairly high functioning high so I start ranting and raving about getting us food, putting meat on the grill, and what sauces I’m going to “Lay all over that shit, boo yah!”

We drive to the grocery store and I stumble about the aisles high and giddy. I grab all kinds of healthy munchies (including the raspberries I am currently eating.) I get pork and steak for the BBQ.

Back at home I spend time marinating the meat and we fire up the grill. And it is a damn good decision.

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