Authors Note: After having read Ansky’s inspiring post I realized too long had I stood by and done nothing about the online cheating situation. I decided to take the initiative and do what I always do in these situations, make fun of everyone and everything involved. I give you ‘The JJ Diaries’, enjoy.
First Entry, January 01, 2006: I’ve decided at the start of this near year that I, Josh “JJProdigy” Field, online pokers best donkamenter, should keep a diary to track my tournament success. I’ve had a wonderful 2005 and I really feel 2006 is going to be a break out year for me, I’m going to win thousands in tournaments, get my braces off, and maybe just maybe break the five foot mark without having height enhancing shoes. This diary will log the people I meet, the tournaments I play, and everything that happens in my daily life. Talk to ya soon diary!
February 12th, 2006: Today started out wonderful. I fired up the Sunday tournaments and logged in my forty-seven accounts into the Party Poker Sunday major. One of my accounts, ‘Ablackcar’ managed to take down the win for $140,000! : ) ! Unfortunately, near the end of the tournament some ass wipe leaked onto to 2+2 that it was me on the account! Luckily I came up with an incredibly clever explanation, it was my grandmother playing on the account. I think it’s the perfect explanation, I mean whose grandmother doesn’t play online poker? Everyone 80+ I know is online non stop, using phrases like “IMO” “TTYL” and “LOL donkaments” in their daily lives. Surely all those stupid idiots on the forums will fall for this.
February 17th, 2006: They didn’t fall for it. Those big mean jerks took all my money! Like Party Poker really needs the money more than I do!!! God this is so totally unfair, I run sooooooo bad. I’ve had $180,000 confiscated, been demoded on 2+2, and all my friends won’t talk to me anymore. What could I possibly have done to deserve this? I mean seriously, multi accounting is not that big a deal, white collar criminals steal from their companies all the time and their friends never stop talking to them! Well from this point forward I will make those assholes pay for what they did to me. I’ll multi account and account buy on such an enormous scale I’ll have 80% of the entries in every Sunday major online! I’ll buy every account at the final three tables and check raise myself for the rest of the tournaments! I’ll show those stupid investigative assholes who the fucking man is! Or is it whom the man is? My computer is putting that little green squiggly line under who. Fuck it! I’ve got tournaments to play and/or buy!
August 8th, 2007: So I haven’t written in here for a while, but I guess it’s pretty hard to do when I’m 87 tabling so often. Getting new accounts has been going perfectly, and I’ve got GB ‘slave boy’ Mantis, as I like to call him, to set everything up for me. He’s a good little bitch and I throw him a bone of knowledge every now and then, though I don’t think it’s helping. Today I had my biggest success so far, one of the various donks I back, Plattsburgh, went deep in the FTOPS 300 rebuys. Watching him play before I took over made me wonder what the fuck I was thinking backing him, but once he got deep enough to interest me I ‘took the controls’ if you will. I crushed those donks and showed the bastard ‘Menlo’ who the real tourney superstar is, even if he never finds out about it. I ended up winning $209,793 for the first, my biggest win, and there’s no chance it gets confiscated this time. I’m such a genius, it’s beautiful. God, now if only I could break the five foot mark already!
December 22, 2007: I realized today it’s getting pretty close to my 18th birthday and the PCA. I can’t wait to play live poker and destroy all those stupid donks, too bad I can’t buy anyone’s stack deep in the tournament. It occurred to me that there might be a lot of people really pissed at me in the poker community, so I should put something up on the forums to try and pacify the masses. I wrote this nice long rambling post where I’m all like “oooh yea, I was young and stupid, and I like, totally love the game and shit. I’m like really sorry or something. Probably. I won’t play online again for at least, you know, like a week or something.” All those fucking idiots will totally buy it. I posted it myself over on 2+2 but I had to have ‘slave boy’ throw it up on P5’s since they banned me. I’m pretty sure they’re gonna welcome me back in with open arms. Anyway, I should go ten account the nightly $150 now, bye diary! Write to you next time in the Caribbean!
December 27th, 2007: FUCK!! FUCKING SHAN FUCKING FAT FUCKING BASTARD FUCKING DEEB! YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKER!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUCK!!!YOU STUPID FUCKING BASTARD I’D KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS IF I WASN’T FOUR FUCKING FEET TALL YOU STUPID FUCKING FUCK!! FUCK IT! I’LL JUST GET PLATTSBURGH TO EAT YOU, YOU MEDDLING FUCK!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!
December 28th, 2007: Well I guess it was kind of obvious from the last entry that something went wrong. That stupid “wafflecrushing” asshole Shaundeeb went and started a campaign to get me banned from the PCA and those cocksuckers over at PokerStars listened to him. I bet he doesn’t even care that I cheated, I bet he only did it cause he’s worried having me there will cut down on his equity cause he knows I’m the best fucking donkamenter. God, what is a ‘wafflecrush’ anyway??? Instead I’ve decided to head to Australia for the Aussie Millions, where I hear they ride kangaroos to the casino! So cool, I can’t wait!
January 8th, 2008: So I arrived in Australia today, it’s so exciting! I can’t believe I finally get to play big live poker and prove to the world just how good 87 tabling makes you. I get to play in the $1000 rebuys tomorrow, which I feel I should naturally do well in since being able to rebuy is pretty close to having multiple accounts. Wish me luck diary!
January 9th, 2008: I played in the $1000 rebuys today at the Aussie Millions. Early in the day Pokernews interviewer Amanda Leatherman pulled me aside and asked me to do an early interview. She asked me some really tough, sweat inducing questions like “What’s your favorite color?” and “How old are you? Like 12?” I thought things went pretty well and was getting kind of a vibe, so at the end of the interview after they turned the camera off I decided to ask her out. Unfortunately she said she has a policy of only dating men taller than her. So unfair, she’s probably just making excuses, she’s like totally a lesbian or something. I ended up getting seated next to this really talkative and annoying 2+2 mod ‘Bond18’. He wouldn’t shut up about “You shouldn’t cheat anymore, if you don’t this’ll all blow over” blah blah blah blah. I was way too busy being lost in the eyes of Anna Wroblewski, I mean she plays poker, drinks like a sailor, and I think I’m a half an inch taller, what’s not to love! I also got to meet that stupid fuck head Shaundeeb who greeted me with “Hey asshole.” God, what a prick.
January 14th, 2008: So I got invited by Bart Hanson, Joe Sebok, and Gavin Smith to join them on an episode of poker road today. I thought the interview went really great and it went down a little something like this…
Bart: So today we have Josh ‘JJprodigy’ Field with us here today. Josh, thanks so much for coming on the show. You’re the best man, like, I totally love your work. We’re so appreciate of you to come here and you seem like a totally cool guy.
Josh: Thanks Bart.
Bart: So can I get you anything. Coffee?
Josh: No that’s okay.
Bart: We could order you some food, or have one of the masseuses come over and relax you a bit, knead those aching shoulders.
Josh: Nah, I’m okay.
Bart: Or if you like we could have Gavin suck you off.
Josh: Oh yea actually that’d be great.
Bart: Gavin, get to it. Not like you say anything intelligent on this show anyway.
Gavin: Sure thing Bart.
Bart: So Josh, let’s talk about what made you famous. I hear you got caught multi accounting and then just recently came out and apologized for it.
Josh: Yes, yes I did.
Bart: Wow, that must have been very tough for you. It took real maturity to come out and apologize like that. Is there anything you’d like to say to our listeners about the whole incident?
Josh: Yea, I’m probably really sorry about all this. Like totally, my bad here people. Now if everyone could just get the sand out of their vaginas and chill out about this whole thing, not like I’m the only guy whose done it, then I think we can all move on.
Bart: Very well said Josh, Joe, your thoughts?
Joe: Oh, I really don’t know much about this sort of thing.
Bart: You don’t know much about anything do ya Joe?
Joe: Not when it comes to poker Bart.
Bart: Gavin, your thoughts down there?
Gavin: Arh beh dos gahs who toff bah abot youf didy too.
Bart: I think what Gavins trying to say through his obstruction is that he imagines everyone who’s come out and criticized you has probably multi accounted in their day as well, haven’t they Josh?
Josh: Oh almost certainly, like, totally. I’m pretty sure like 90% of 2+2 and P5’s is multi accounting in their spare time, I mean how else do you explain the Stars Million getting like 7000 entrants, do you know 7000 people who play poker?
Bart: Your right, I do not, great point there Josh. Your thoughts here Joe?
Joe: I, I don’t really know.
Bart: Okay then Josh, thanks so much for coming out on the show today. I think you’ve really proven what a stand up guy you are. Is that about it then?
Josh: Nah, give him another minute down there.
I think that interview is going to be a real hit and do a ton to repair my reputation on the forums. Now with the main event coming up hopefully I can solidify my reputation as a player by making a real run at it!
January 15th, 2008: Well, unfortunately I busted in the main event today. I really thought I was gonna make the best of this one, and I tried to buy back in with a fake mustache and glasses but the staff got suspicious and I just ended up running for it before they processed the buy in. I guess it’s back to the online game for me, and with the FTOPS only a few weeks away I think I’ve got a very bright and rich future ahead of me. Until next time diary!