I am an ambitious person. In many people that’s a quality, but I’ve seen what mines done to the point that I know it’s much closer to a fault. If I had to settle on anything, I’d call it a double edged sword. The problem is that my ambitions border on obsession. I become so single minded in accomplishing something (and only in a manner which I feel is best) that I neglect and eliminate anything around me that’ll get in my way. It can be as effective as it is self destructive. People sometimes tell me they wish they had my motivation and discipline, but those come with a price that’s harder to see.

A friend in the industry sent me a message today about my entry yesterday and the drawing attached to it which read:
” Hi Tony,

I'm a great supporter of yours, both personally and professionally, and I think you're one of the brightest guys I've met in the poker ecosystem. I'm sure with your bravado, charisma and intellect you could conquer any challenge you ever set for yourself inside our outside of the poker world. If you were ever looking for a job, it would be my pleasure to employ you; and I would always be up for having some or many drinks.

All that being said, I just want to share my concern with you about today's blog post. The cartoon at the end is pure highschool bull****. It's the type of thing that makes you look bad professionally (in ways you'll never find out about, but which will affect you if you ever want to be more than a player), and personally (I know you're not just an overgrown-frat-boy). You're now a high-profile public figure in the online poker player community and it's obvious you're trying to transcend that, and I think what you've done is a mistake.

If it's therapeutic for you to write about your breakup, then go for it - but be careful of invisible lines that you can cross without ever knowing it. If I were you I would try to republish that post without that cartoon.

That's it. I wish you well.”

I responded to him with:
” I really appreciate the message and any advice you have to offer on the situation. I wondered about what kind of message that drawing would send as I was creating it and have been wondering about my degree of visibility in the poker world in general. Most of what I've been wondering is whether any potential I have to go beyond being 'just a player' is something I'd even be interested in if it meant censoring myself or changing myself in the slightest degree.

When I got into this game I did it because I simply loved to play. At some point in the last year or so I think I lost sight in that. The conclusion I've come to is that I simply have no aspirations in this industry outside of being an excellent player and remembering who I am. What I loved most about this occupation is I always felt like I could do or say whatever I wanted (obviously outside the criminal degree) and there wouldn't be consequences when it came to my earning power. All that really mattered was that I played well and did so with integrity. Simply grinding online MTT's is easily worth in excess of $250,000 a year and it disgusts me that at some point I thought that wasn't enough for me, particularly for a job with as much freedom as this has. What I'm truly concerned about isn't my professional potential, but whether my greed and ambition has run amok.

When things fell through with Full Tilt they actually offered me a position to keep writing my blog for them for considerable pay, at least so for simply writing a blog. I declined because I realized I simply didn't give a damn about the money (among other reasons.) I wrote the blog because I enjoyed putting whatever I thought/felt into it and the idea of having to censor it just so I could take a paycheck doesn't jell with who I am. I sometimes wonder if the only reason I have a popular blog and some degree of notoriety is because I'm willing to put such ridiculous and absurd things in it, including admitadly immature and crude drawings. More importantly, I realize that being overly concerned about what my readers think is a fallacy to the whole reason I have the blog. I have the blog because I enjoy writing it. If nobody read it, I'd still write it.

If doing all this means no poker site would dare touch me than it's simply the price for being who I am. I'm happy with the money I make and my place in this world and industry and I'm not sure why I ever became interested in doing anything else. All I ever really wanted was to be a good player and make a living at this. If one day that becomes an impossibility than I imagine I'll go get a job where I feel like I'm doing something good with myself, like being a firefighter or something where I felt like I could be myself and do something honorable.

Lastly, I want to reiterate that none of this message was supposed to sound confrontational or arrogant, but upon rereading it I think it partially comes off that way. I have a huge amount of respect for you and what you do and have written so in the past and will continue doing so. I genuinely appreciate you're trying to offer a helping hand. It's also worth noting that this PM may appear in my blog as I think it clarifies a lot of my thoughts and feelings on the topic, but I will obviously edit out your name.

Cheers, Tony”

I had a long talk about Lee Nelson about not only this correspondence today, but professionalism vs. ambition in the poker industry in general. Of everyone in the poker industry, I’m not sure there’s anyone whose advice I have more respect for than Lee.

Lee realized the truth of the situation. I had a friend who recognized the ambition in me and tried to give me a helping hand, and my response was essentially “To hell with it, I do shit my way or not at all.” Don’t get me wrong, I feel like I did make a lot of valid points in my message back to him, but at the core of things I was lying. Not in the intentional ‘I think I can get away with this lie’ but the kind of lie where you know something and don’t really want to admit it to yourself. I know my ambition in poker goes beyond just playing. If all I ever wanted was to play the game and make a healthy living then why would I have ever wrote so many articles about the game? Was I just trying to make things harder on myself for amusements sake? Clearly I had an interest in teaching and discussing this game. I also think it’s pretty obvious from a number of things I’ve written that I also care about the games image. If what I really wanted was to make money and behave however I damn well chose I’d tear down my blog, delete the ‘things it took me a while to learn’ series, quit the poker seminars, and never post on 2+2 again.

I’ve never liked the idea of ‘professionalism’. I don’t like censoring myself just to please a more formal and rigid set of guidelines. That said my friends knew what I didn’t want to admit, you might be the smartest guy in the room but if you’re dressed as a clown nobody is going to listen to you (I’m not claiming to be the smartest guy in the room, I think the spelling in message will prove that.) I stand by my remarks that I wouldn’t edit my blog just to take a paycheck. But I would edit it if something in it damaged my ability to be credible.

In the end Lee thought the drawing was funny, but agreed that it was immature and unprofessional. He didn’t tell me to take it down, but made a recommendation. He didn’t want to see my being a wise ass hurt my ability to do the poker seminars we work on together (which I truly enjoy) and I’d hate to give them up too, particularly after putting in so many hours into crafting them. So the drawing is down.

There are too many examples of people who have tried to give me advice but my ambition and arrogance have prevented me from listening. I still remember arguing with my parents about playing poker instead of getting a job. Sure they were wrong that time, but it’s not like their hearts weren’t in the right place. There are more examples like that than I care to remember or rehash. So I apologize to everyone who offered me a hand and got the finger in return.

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