Like most poker players I talk a fair bit of shit about my opponents. Some forums in 2+2 simply exist to spew hate, and the MTT world in general tends to breed a lot of insults. I imagine this is because peoples results and winnings are public, and the undeserving can win a ton of money in one lucky day while the superior players can go months or years without a truly big score. Some dickhead who wins the Sunday Million last week or last month or whatever, has made more in poker in one day than I have all year. That’s an annoying thing to think about.

Deserve is a difficult concept to grasp in poker, and in the end, you should probably just throw the idea away completely. It doesn’t matter how much you play, how hard you study, how many questions you ask, or who coaches you, in the end you are variances bitch, to abuse and toy with as it pleases.

Lilholdem, Pearljammer, Belowabove, GB2005, Phatcat, JohnnyBax, Tmay420, Lordhutty, Sheets, JOEYTHEB, Scarface_79, Gank, Wachovia, Scott Fischman, Comeonphish, I’ve talked trash about all of them at some time or another.

If forced to present a case in front of a jury, I doubt I could prove more than two or three on that list actually suck at poker, the rest were likely the result of watching them play one hand badly then deciding “well he must suck” and talking shit forever after. Then, somewhere in the last few days, it occurred to me; where the fuck do I get off? If there’s one thing probably everyone on that list has in common, it’s that they’ve likely made more money from poker than I have.

Seriously, if there was one player who I could talk endlessly about how bad he is, it’d be me. I fuck up so many times on a daily basis, often in important situations, that it’s unfathomable.

Recent examples? Heads up in the Tilt 30 rebuys yesterday the SB open shoved and I called off 15 BB’s with A3o vs a villain who had yet to open shove on me. Oh really? A3o, I wonder how that does against his range. Against his probable range I’m about 36%, if you widen it a few percentage points higher. Wow, well fucking done Bond18, you managed to play concise poker all the way to the end just so you could blow it at the most important EV situation.

Another one? How about getting deep in the stars 100 rebuys and with 19 left (18 paying) 3 betting an utg raiser with 55 on the button with both of us having top 5 stacks. Better yet, after UTG calls I shove a 368 flop about 1.3X over pot. I am of course snap called by 66 and bubble when I should have very likely final tabled. For as much as I bitch about running bad in the 100 rebuys if I’m going to play like that then it’s totally deserved.

Or how about calling down Apestyles on 3 streets with an A high board with 2nd pair in the heads up match for the 18k package to Australia? Three fucking streets of value I gave him with a 9.

Yet my favorite in recent examples of immense stupidity came on Sunday, when very deep in a large Stars 109 FO I check called off 60% of my stack on a JT545 board with A8 no draw and was promptly destroyed by KJ. Oh right, because every god damn donk on Stars is capable of firing two rounds and over half their stack on K high. Even if I catch him with a missed flush draw like A2-A8s I’m calling for a chop. Jesus Christ.

As a result of so much bad play recently, I’ve been spending more time reviewing and trying to slowly think through situations. I’m also trying to watch players a lot more closely, so instead of just deciding instantly that they must suck I actually know how they play.

However, results have been encouraging. In the last week I’ve probably won in the area of at least $25,000, maybe more after today. There’s been so many final tables it’s all starting to blend together. What I really need to do now is final table something meaningful though, as up to this point my biggest scores since getting back have been 12k from 2nd in the full tilt nightly $150, and 12k from winning the Bodog winners choice. Surely nice sums of money, but I’ve yet to really hit it huge since coming back to Melbourne. Part of that is the result of never really being up at the right hours on Sunday to play most of the majors, and part of that is never playing the $100 rebuys anymore and constantly failing in the Stars nightly $150. I came close in the Stars $1k last week Tuesday, but in the end had KK lose to AJo AIPF to finish a disappointing 9th.

When I won the Bodog package I was concerned I’d be forced to use the package as per their rules and conditions, but instead they funded the 12k into the account as I imagine third party registration is just too much trouble post UIGEA. So at least I have way more than enough bankroll to blow on my god awful play.

So today instead of doing my normal self absorbed and blabbering blog entry I decided to go with something with real content this time around. I’ve been talking to Nath a lot recently about either coaching me or swapping reviews back and forth, and decided to start on the 50 FO win he posted on 2+2 by creating a very comprehensive review. It’s about 75% done at this point, and tomorrow when I can finish it I’ll edit it and put up the rest. I think it should generate some good discussion. Here’s the link:

Nath hand history on Poker X Factor

And of course the review itself:

Hand 2: Is this a pretty standard call vs a lot of players or Belowabove specific? How deep are you making this call and how deep are you just folding. I’m def calling 86s here myself, not sure about 2 gapper.

Hand 9: Man I love this and its something I need to start doing. I think having a deceptive/wide range early for your 3 bets is key, as when someone like me 3 bets early in a tournament its pretty obvious to anyone slightly observant that in this situation my range would be like QQ+/AK. Would you do this against a lot of players or are you picking on EricW23 because he’s also a LAG tard and poor post flop.

Hand 12: Good, totally standard check/fold.

Hand 32: On an A high board with a guy who sees as many flops as EricW23 I think I’m C betting, though its obviously not perfect with AQ7 with a flush draw. Still, the fucker calls very very wide.

Hand 37: Same idea here, yea you could justify a C bet on A97 flop, but with the flush draw out and it being a little connected I don’t blame you for checking, especially with an aggressive image.

Hand 40: I like your check fold here after raising so many hands in the last round. If it was like T52 I could dig another C bet, but T84 is just coordinated enough that I like your c/f.

Hand 58: At 50/100, most peoples stacks are still moderately deep, so I prefer a full 3X. Obviously it’s a tiny thing to consider, but it’s just my preference.

Hand 87: What factors lead to this squeeze. I actually think it’s pretty good because we’re not at the stage of the tournament yet where
A. People expect it
B. The cold caller is a higher threat to have just called a big pair.

Hand 97: What factors lead to a complete here as opposed to a raise? It’s kind of a weird spot, if we had AJ we could raise+call pretty easy, or if he had like 14/15 BB’s we could raise call A9 probably. However, with his 24 BB’s he’s deep enough that if we raise A9o it’s really gross when he shoves, and it’s unknown whether this guy knows that restealing 24 BB’s without antes is usually not great, so he just might do it. Post flop looks good.

Hand 111: I honest think given your stack and position, this is likely a fold pre flop. Raising like 17 BB’s pre in EP is always tough, and with a hand like KQ that plays bad against peoples 3 betting ranges and a stack that makes post flop play super awkward. However, if this spot was a result of 4 people on the table being so short its not a decision to call, then I’m all for it.

Hand 125: 20 BB’s is likely the shortest stack I’m raising 44 there on. At like 13ish BB’s I might just shove. At like 14-19 in that position, I’d probably open fold. Do you think that’s to tight? I feel like with your playing style your going to get played back at a lot and raise/folding there is pretty detrimental to your stack and its going to end up happening to much for comfort. Thoughts?

Hand 148: Based on what I’ve seen people open shoving with 10-15 BB stacks in LP lately, I think this is good. However, if the guy jammed in first 3 positions for this amount, and he wasn’t a very aggressive player, I might let 77 go. I’m pretty sure you run into a range of 66-QQ/AQ/AK from earlier positions with most people. You wouldn’t think they’d open shove QQ at 15 BB’s, but so many shit players are just so terrified of playing a K/A high flop that they end up shoving.

Hand 176: Even though stacks are fairly good for check shoving on a flop, I don’t think you can profitably play J8s OOP with 20 BB stacks, especially from an MP1 raise. I mean maybe I could see calling JTs here with the intention of check shoving a ton of flops, but even still, I kind of feel like even that might be a spew, but I know J8s is.

Hand 186: Hmm, I’ve been thinking about this squeeze a fair bit. I know I’d like it better if they were both a few BB’s deeper since I feel like their both so short you’re almost always getting called from 1, sometimes 2 (I absolutely couldn’t believe you got 2 folds) but even if you get 1 call it might not be so bad considering J9dd plays pretty well against their range. I’d have to run some pokerstove numbers on it to be sure, but it’s close. I know for sure I’d like it better if you guys were all few BB’s deeper.

Hand 192: I really like your flop check here. Turn gets a lot closer since 3 flush hit and you don’t have one. I honestly don’t know what’s best on this turn, I think I’ll probably ask around about that one. Turn play is very likely my weakest street. Your thoughts on this hand overall?

Hand 193 and sort of general thought: I’ve had this discussion with many players and there seems to be no consensus. I tend to fall into the camp that Ajunglen taught me and overall I think it makes sense. With early position raises I like to go full 3X or close to in order to discourage OOP situations. In MP I bring it down to 2.7ish, in LP like 2.4 or 2.5ish. If the table is playing pretty tight or we start to get short handed I pull it down and standardize around 2.6. Overall however, I like going with the 3X in earlier positions, which seems contrary to what your doing here. You’re thoughts on that subject.

On to this hand specifically, what lead to your flop raise. I often like raising weak donk bets as well, but normally in HU or maybe 3 way pots. Here your raising against 4 players and the guy leading out is so short it just seems so unlikely to get a fold. However, that’s what happened here, so maybe you see something I don’t. What’s the thought process that lead to this play? Also, I think your flop raise size is really good.

Hand 195: Looks good, though again I go a full 3X to discourage OOP action.

Hand 211: After having entered so many of the last pots, unless this is a bubble I probably pass this time. However, seems like nobody is stopping you, so if you feel their going to keep letting you get away with it, then obviously go right ahead.

Hand 218: I basically 3 bet a min raise in LP whenever I see one if stacks will allow for it. However, this time you had a real hand, are you calling a shove from him? How much of calling a shove from him do you feel is based on your image?

Hand 229: I can’t decide on this flop whether betting something like 24k that commits them to play for their stack or just shoving is better. I don’t really know on a flop of this texture that one has more fold equity than the other, but sometimes people for some insane reason interpret a big overshove like that as an AK that doesn’t know what to do, so I probably end up betting a bit over pot, though I doubt it matters either way.

Hand 238: Are we getting the right price here? 14.6k with 8k to call, I think I pass but it’s pretty close.

Hand 250: Had this guy been limping enough that he’s going to c/f to you a ton post? If so then I’m all for this isolation, if this is his first open limp I probably let it go.

Hand 251: This all looks good to me, but if the flop is like 236 and doesn’t give an A a gut shot I’d fire. With board as it is, I feel we get check shoved on to much to make betting profitable.

Hand 267: I really don’t like this pre flop raise with these stacks. If you had 25 BB’s or more I could like it if the table was playing tight, but with things as they are at 18 BB’s I can’t possibly see this raise as profitable.

Hand 270: I’m pretty tempted to shove over this guys complete if I don’t think there’s a chance he’s completing with a lot of hands he’ll call with.

Hand 279: I like your line here post flop.

Hand 281: I absolutely love pre flop and on the flop here.

Hand 283: Flop C bet here is pretty borderline though by no means bad. What lead to this specific one?

Hand 291: I like a larger C bet here. The board is pretty drawy and a K/J is definitely in his range, plus a larger bet makes it more natural for him to check shove. I think like 18 or 20k here is optimal.

Hand 292: This second barrel has got to be close. A lot of his flop peeling range is an A, since most of the time a decent draw check shoves. Any particular reason this time you went with a second barrel?

Hand 315: This pre flop spot is tough. Stacks are way deep enough that we could 3 bet, the issue is that a total LAGtard like EricW23 will call us a ton and make us play ace rag OOP. I’m not sure about calling either, but considering how loose he is you’ve got to be ahead of his range. This is one of those weird spots where just calling OOP with suited Ax might be best, but I don’t know. This is another spot where I think I might ask a few others. I like post flop considering villain.

Hand 317: I’m a little surprised you elected a flat call here, though with the stacks I don’t blame you. However, the temptation to make it 60k here and make him play reraised pot OOP is pretty high, but stacks are of course gross if he 4 bets since it’d be getting it for 100 BB’s effective.

Hand 321: Looks good.

Hand 327: What’s your plan if he bets the flop?

Hand 331: I like your line post flop, what’s your plan if he bets turn, fold?

Hand 333: Jesus EricW23 is REALLY bad at poker.

Hand 336: Good call pre, standard i think. What's your cut off point for calling there?

Hand 337: Was this on final table bubble?

Hand 344: Yea i guess it's fine becuase only 1 player behind you as a good shoving stack, so i can dig this.

Hand 350: Very good play both pre and post. Once Jnelson checks (blegh check by AK) i think betting here is

really good since considering stack depth Jnelson leads like all his good hands and the BB can be coming

along with a huge range.

Hand 355: I like your squeeze size here, though i'm not sure i like the play in genereal because Eric is

such a retard station and your out of position with a hand that basically never flops well ever. I like your

flop C bet of course.

Hand 356: Even though Eric is a tard station, i think you went a hair big here, at 4.5X. I prolly make it

like 80k.

Hand 359: Man your PF raise is so sick small. I like playing in position and taking pots down cheap, but

this is even a bit small for me. I think lowest i'd go in MP is to like 23500. I guess overall though, if

they aren't stopping you enough, this might be optimal but if i had to guess, on most tables you'd need to

add a little.

Hand 364: Nice reraise size.

Hand 374: This all looks very good here. I think 3 betting is a little awkward here pre since you've done it

so much and 99 isn't really great in a huge pre pot, but plays very well post. Good flop bet of course.

Hand 375: Looks good post.

Hand 379: Meh, pre is close. I hate to let min raisers get away with it, but J7o is like absolute bottom of

your range you can call with here. I probably don't fire that Q turn, as the board is not bad for his range

plus has lots of draws, and he's a tard station who will call you with like, EVERYTHING there.

Hand 387: Standard.

Hand 389: Oh my god he's so bad at poker it's unreal.

Hand 398: Oh my god check call OOP with GS i can't believe this guy has ever cashed a donkament ever it's

tilting me watching this.

Hand 402: C betting this seems pretty close. I'm not sure whether betting or checking is better. Thoughts

here?

Hand 405: I like it the whole way through, though i probably full 3X raise this pre.

hand 406: Perfect, the whole way through, and absolutely HILARIOUS by Erick.

Hand 407: Love your pre flop 3 bet here, it looks so strong. I probably go just a little bit bigger, like

145k.

Hand 417: Wow, nice raise size on river. I probably end up going to like 160k to make sure i get a call, but

i think with your image making it this size is a really good play. Nh.

Hand 419: You guys are pretty damn deep and i never like getting called with Ax OOP, i go full 3X here pre.

I love the way you played this post.

Hand 423: Looks perfect pre+post.

Hand 426: I'm kind of tempted to find a C bet on this A high flop, it's close with the flush draw out.

Hand 427: I raise his complete here always. Looks great post, i don't see any reason to raise this flop

since you'll blow him off a lot of his range, much of which is bluffs.

Hand 431: Run better please.

Hand 433: I'm not sure if he's limping an A here much, i find it tempting to CR to 110k if he believes

you'll ever check an A.

Hand 434: You station you.

Hand 440: Good thin value bet on river, i might go a bit smaller though.

Hand 450: I complete.

Hand 458: There's very little he can be floating/drawing to on this flop. I think river call is a spew.

Hand 479: GG.

For some reason I was browsing pocket fives today. I encountered a thread which described Ram Vaswani slow rolling Action Jeff in London. Moderately famous online player Zpaceman came on and commented with the story posted below. After having read the Zpaceman story I felt inspired. The story was so completely over the top and absurd that I was left wanting more, more detail, more eloquence, a completeness to the story if you will. I decided that someone really ought to ghost write and elaborate on that story. So hey, why not me? I present to you, written in first person, The Zpaceman Venetian Story, ghostwritten by Bond18. Enjoy.

Here’s the original:
something could have happened at the table too.

i remember playing at the venetian in the summer, broken down to 3 tables i get moved to UTG at a new table and raise the first hand i'm dealt. it folds around to the button and this big fat older guy with terrible dress sense and the biggest stack at the table grumbles to himself then puts out a massive reraise - more than half my stack. i reluctantly folded AQ. later that orbit i'm in the BB with TT and he raises the button, i reraise, he grumbles to himself again and shoves all-in.

both times it really got under my skin the way he didnt even look at me, or give me any respect and just shoved me off my hands. a couple of orbits later he'd lost some of his chips to others at the table and i'd gained a few chips here and there. our stacks were nearly even. he's on the button again and raises my BB like he's done every fkn time. I peek at my cards and see AA.

it was part acting, but i just blew my top with him and started to rant "you've raised my blind every time, you re-raised my UTG the first hand i came to the table, you're giving me no respect, who do you think you are!!!? anyway i'm sick of this! no respect!" and I quickly stacked my chips all on top of each other real strong really smashing down on the stack and slammed the single stack into the pot

he insta-called with AQ and i totally crippled him, but i was so hot from his behaviour (including his continued lack of respect to insta-call me with AQ) that i couldn't stop ranting at him. i bust him 2 hands later and berated him all the way to the rail, telling him to enjoy his vacation and stop trying to play with the pros, blah, blah, blah.

in hindsight it was wrong, it was classless, but i just hated the guy for everything he'd done to me, his image, his mannerisms, etc...

knowing AJ's rep it would be easy to see how he might have irritated ram in a similar manner.

And here is my elaborated story:


…As I settle into my new table I scan my new set of adversaries. The table is not unlike most Las Vegas tournament line ups, a number of tourists, a couple younger semi professional looking types, and of course the occasional world class hot shot, a position at this table that was vacant up until my arrival. I peer down at my first hand and am elated to find a hand befitting a player of my excellence, AQ UTG. I make a standard 3X raise and watch as the table folds around to the button.

The seat in question is occupied by a copulate and grotesque looking man wearing shorts and an “I heart NASCAR” T-shirt. He looks disheveled and disorganized, with the massive stack in front of him sitting in moderate disarray. Clearly he had not spent the same 3 hours I had that morning perfectly everything aesthetic detail of my appearance.

From spending 30 minutes arranging every follicle of hair to laying out a number of clothing combinations on the bed and creating a list of the pros and cons to each, I certainly had it going on today. After thorough consideration I had settled with a teal button up shirt from Prada, with designer faded jeans to match. I elected to go with a pair of brown Gucci loafers, resulting in a Euro trash ensemble that my idol Patrick Bateman could truly appreciate. But I digress from the action.

The aforementioned oaf on the button sits in contemplation, then lets out a queer grunt like noise and slams a mass of chips onto the table, totaling over half my stack. The blinds fold and I stare at him only briefly, but then am forced to look away. My god, how could anyone be so apathetic about their appearance?! And who does he think he is reraising me? I take a last longing look at my AQ, and reluctantly fold. This offense shall not be forgotten.

Only moments later I find myself again in engaged with the oaf. He enters the pot raising on the button, and sitting with TT in the BB I quickly and proudly 3 bet him. Again the man begins grumbling, then slides his entire stack into the middle! Of course I am forced to fold, as no player on the button would ever risk his entire stack verse a BB reraise with a hand worse than TT, but I must say I am very nearly at the end of my patience with this nuisance. This man is clearly attempting to get under my skin and has taken some offense to my presence, perhaps the half bottle of cologne I showered with has become bothersome to him? Who knows, but now, it’s personal. Nobody shows me that lack of respect and gets away with it!

A few orbits later my Machiavellian plot finally comes to fruition. Sitting with AA in the BB it folds to the oaf on the button who but of course, raises my BB again. Now it was time to lay the trap with a ploy no poker player would ever see coming, acting!

“You sir! You’ve raised my blind every single god damn round! Do you think I’m going to just sit here and let you get away with this travesty!? Well no way, no FUCKING way! Do you know who I am you fat ass piece of crap?!”
”No, I don’t”
”Well you fucking ought to! My face doesn’t look familiar? No? On the cover of cardrunners perhaps!? HUH? THAT’S RIGHT! THIS IS Z FUCKING SPACEMAN YOU’RE FUCKING WITH!! I’M THE MOST AWESOME FUCKING POKER PLAYER SINCE STU UNGAR! I’M SO FUCKING AWESOME THAT I MASTURBATE IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR TO MYSELF EVERY NIGHT! NOBODY DISRESPECTS ME LIKE THAT! I’M ALL FUCKING IN!!!”

And with that I smash my entire stack of chips into the middle. Of course, after the vicious verbal ass kicking I gave my opponent, he couldn’t call fast enough with his AQ.

“HA! I tricked you! I knew you’d fall for it! Behold, I have pocket aces!! HAHAHA take that you stupid fat fuck! I have bested you!”
“Sir, I don’t see how your shouting or insults are necessary, I was just playing my cards.”
“Playing your cards!? That’s not all you were doing, you were showing me a lack of respect! NOBODY DISRESPECTS ZPACEMAN AND GETS AWAY WITH IT! NOT YOU, NOT YOURTIMEISUP, NOT ANYONE!”

The dealer fails to produce two miraculous queens for my opponent and he’s now crippled, sitting with a disappointed and defeated look on his face. A few hands later, I completed my decimation of him and knocked him out completely. As he was heading to the rail I gave him a parting shot.

“Hey Fatty now you’ve got some time to go get a gym membership! Enjoy your vacation and stop messing with the pro’s, and remember NOBODY DISRESPECTS ZPACEMAN! DON’T WASTE MY MOTHER FUCKING TIME!!!”

So ended my encounter with the oaf. Unfortunately, that’s all the time I have to tell stories for now, I’ve got a hot date with my mirror.

The Man With no Seoul
After thorough consideration, it turns out I won’t be going to Seoul. The expenses involved turns out to be in the area of about $5000 US. Since the tournament is only a $2500 buy in, and my ROI is perhaps 100%, I’d basically be expecting a loss on the trip long term. Even though I’d certainly the vacation aspect of the trip, there’s one much larger problem; the WCOOP.

For some brilliant reason, Pokerstars decided to schedule the APPT Seoul event right during the WCOOP and, in direct conflict with the WCOOP main event. This despite there being no other APPT event until December, and no technically announced poker event in the Pacific region until possibly November. Of additional difficulty with attempting to do the WCOOP is the absurd time it’s on in our region, which is something like 4am. This means if I attempted to do a little of both, I’d be forced to throw my sleep schedule back and forth, resulting in the inevitable onslaught from my stomach. The same stomach which was supposed to be swimming with Helicobacter Pylori, but upon calling the Medical Center today, it turns out “everything’s completely normal.”

Shit, why can’t I just have the bacteria. I wanted the fucking bacteria. The bacteria would be an easy to answer to my dilemma, a weeks worth of antibiotics and problem solved. Instead I have to go back to the doctor, who will be required to do further examinations and tests, likely resulting in my being diagnosed with some obscure monstrosity of a disease like tumorsyphillisisisosis. I’m pretty sure it starts with stomach and digestive problems and results in your face falling off.

So instead I’ll be adjusting my schedule in order to get up for the WCOOP at an appropriate time and harassing Nath to do a coaching session. While I would have loved to see Korea and decimated their Bulgogki supply, I guess live poker will have to wait until October.

Meanwhile, I had a +$20,000 Sunday and yet went to sleep extremely pissed off. At the final table of the Full Tilt nightly 150+12 when holding AT on a 68TT board with the chip lead the person second in chips also moved all in on the turn over my large raise. As I clicked call Full Tilt crashed for several minutes and folded my hand, rewarding the full pot to my opponent who also had AT and giving him a sizeable chip lead. I wasn’t the only player who disconnected in the hand or at the final table, so clearly the technical problem was on Tilts end. The result being with 1.5 million chips in play, 438,000 was rewarded to my opponent, 219k of which was mine, causing a full 438k swing. Of additional interest I later got heads up verse the same villain and he got disconnected, though I used my time bank to allow him to get back online. Unfortunately I lost the heads up to my villain despite coming in with a chip lead, but so many of his chips going into the match were the result of that hand I wrote an email to support letting them know I feel their technical difficulty cost me thousands in equity, and am owed some form of reparations.

Over/under on Full Tilts investigation of the matter and response is sitting on 3 weeks.

Fuck You, Nobu
“Pretension is a dish best served cold.”
So it seems over at the Nobu, which just opened in Melbourne at Crown. My friend Howie invited my girlfriend and me to join him and his friend Melissa there. Dinner with ‘real people’ (that is, people who aren’t poker players or heavily involved in the poker/gambling world) is always interesting for me, mostly because my often inappropriate and taboo conversation leaves them in hysterics, horrified, or both. It’s not that I’m SO outrageous a person; it’s just that the normal social rules of polite conversation rarely seem to apply in poker circles.

Example? It is perfectly acceptable conversation to ask a poker playing “How much did you make today/this week/this month/this year?” Hell, it might be ruder NOT to ask that question.

Poker players are also pretty laid back as a whole. It’s rare to see one get offended unless you say something about the way he plays. Because our work is others recreation, we’re mostly a relaxed and casual bunch. Howie works as a dealer at Crown, which means he’s highly exposed to our type, but because he works for someone else and has lots of other working friends, I’d say he’s about half real. He understands what I’m talking about all the time, but still gets that nervous look in the eye when have conversations with the waiter like “Damn it! You recommended this Saki now are you going to take a shot or not?!”
”No, I really can’t, I’m working.”
”You sell out. Fine, more for me. Christ this stuff is awful.”

Or upon finding out Melissa had just graduated from Law school “Good for you, just make sure not to sell your soul.”
”Hehe, okay.”
”Fuck it, why do I bother, of course you’re gonna sell your soul.”

Lucky for me both the waiter and Melissa seemed to have good senses of humor, and conversation was the only saving grace of the evening considering the restaurant was the worst fucking dining experience in memory. Instead of coming up with a clever way to structure my complaints, I’m just going to make a list and number them.

1. The portions. By far, this is my biggest complaint and would be with ANY restaurant that fucks this up. I may be trying to lose weight, but I’m not looking to leave a restaurant feeling starving. While most Asian restaurants give you chopsticks, due to Nobu’s portion sizes, we were given toothpicks to work with.

2. The price. 4 people with no wine and one bottle of vile tasting saki came to $348. I don’t mind paying that kind of money for a meal, BUT, if I’m paying it I better not leave the restaurant hungry and pissed off. If ever I felt guilty for spending money on my food instead of feeding half a starving African country, this was it.

3. The wait. My god, it took forever to get the fucking food. 3 hours for dinner, THREE HOURS. Is there anyone in this world who really has 3 hours to kill on dinner, especially one for just four? No, this wasn’t on a weekend. Things I would rather do with 3 hours of my time include; watching 1 long movie or 2 short ones, playing poker with an hourly expectation of about $120 resulting in my profiting $360 long term, work out to prevent being a fat ass, write a long and detailed letter to Nobu and Robert Di Nero on why their restaurant is a piece of shit.

4. The lighting. There’s romantic lighting, and then there’s “Shouldn’t you guys get a back up generator in case of this?” lighting. Nobu subscribes to the latter train of thought, which would be all nice and good if I had an ugly date, but I find my girlfriend quite attractive, so turn the fucking lights on.

5. The noise. There’s more or less no walls in the downstairs so the noise of the room flows everywhere. I spent most of dinner yelling “WHAT?!” at Howie and Melissa then deciding losing my voice isn’t worth the conversation.

6. The anorexic looking hostess. This is a restaurant, the people staffing it should look like they eat, not reminding me of the Holocaust. Things have gotten out of hand when my meals size is leaving me highly unsatisfied but still contemplating force feeding half of it to the hostess.

So yea, I won’t be going back there and will instead be giving my Crown restaurant business where it belongs and has earned it, Number 8 and Rockpool.

Meanwhile, I’m still running ridiculously hot in poker. I’ve won 3 tournaments this week and have 4 more days to win another on either Stars, Bodog, UB or Party to win my second triple crown in as many weeks. I’m thinking my next blog entry will be something like taking a tournament I won or went deep in and posting the HH and discussing the important hands and why I made the decisions I made, as well as pointing out the places I decided to suck at poker/life and fucked it up. It seems to me that most players don’t spend enough time in self review and end up repeating their mistakes. I don’t intend on letting that happen to me.