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So I’ve been in Hawaii for a few days now living with my friend Cade and his very awesome mom Jada. Let’s take a look at what I’ve done with myself since arriving:

1. Running a shit load. Both Cade and Jada like to go on a 2.25 mile run every other day and I’ve been joining them. I’ve always been pretty terrible at running, but the amount of time I’ve spent on the treadmill at the gym and with my pink jump rope at home has apparently put me in much better cardiovascular shape than I’ve ever been in before. I’m also running about a mile every morning before I eat breakfast.

2. Getting freaked out about the UIGEA regulations. God knows if they’ll have any effect at all but they certainly have people in a panic and many American players considering jumping ship on the whole country if they have their worst possible implications. I find it doubtful they’ll actually make a difference, but if they do I’ll have to scrap any possibility of moving back to the US.

3. Asking the Melbourne volunteer firefighting department if I can join. Being a firefighter was one of the few jobs I ever seriously considered and I remain curious about it to this day. I’d never give up poker for a new career, but I like the idea of doing something positive with my life and being helpful and firefighting is something I’d gladly do for zero pay. It also gives me a convenient excuse to be a complete nazi about my fitness. If I do end up moving to Hawaii I’ll look up their respective volunteer unit and ask them. I also realize it makes sense to do this just in case one day poker is no longer a feasible career (unlikely) since I wouldn’t have experience in any other form of legitimate work.

4. Sending hilarious text messages. Cade told me a story about how he once convinced a girl he was dating that he was a werewolf, and when this girl Desiree we’ve been hanging out with told us she had an instructor who kept asking her out and sending her text messages I insisted she let me to respond to his most recent one. I typed out something to the affect of “I’m sorry Ash, but we can’t get together. I’m not sure how to tell you this but…I’m a werewolf. You have to understand that it’s simply not safe for us to hang out, what with the mauling and all” then clicked ‘send’ and we all laughed our asses off.

5. Going to terrible stand up shows. After going to a great show in Melbourne I was hoping for more of the same here. I knew there was a problem when I showed up and there was like 12 people there. A couple of the comics were just painfully bad but two of the others were okay though nothing great. Jesus those other two made Larry the Cable Guy look like a comedic genius though.

6. Not working. I’ve only played one day since I got here, today, and as a result of trying to nine table on my tiny, broken laptop screen I made several awful plays as a result of failing to realize certain details of the hand. I restole on a guy who was never going to fold. I raised 67s to only 3X over a limp. I played a pretty terrible hand against 2+2’er Fatalerror (this wasn’t the laptops fault so much as my being a dumbass) with deep stacks in the FTOPS 300r.

7. Quoting Anchorman at every available opportunity. Cade and I have the exact same taste in humor (and in many other regards) and we must refer to ‘sculpting our guns’ a couple dozen times a day. Next time we go out I’ve promised him I’ll approach random women and say in the Ron Burgandy voice “Hello” *pause* “Do you not know who I am?” *pause for obvious no* “I don’t know how to put this but…I’m kind of a big deal. People know me. I’m very important…I have many leather bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany... I’m sorry, let me start over again. I wanna say something, I wanna put it out there, if you like it you can take it, if you don’t, send it right back... I wanna be on you.” It’s not a perfect quotation, but it’ll certainly do for the purpose of making a complete ass of myself for both of ours amusement.

8. Enjoying food items you can’t find in Australia. Like Sobe, and pop tarts. When I die I want my tombstone to be carved like a pop tart.

9. Listening to Hawaiian music. Fuck it’s cool. To give a description; its kind of like reggae meets hip hop meets Jack Johnson. It’s chilled out with a good beat and some easy listening lyrics. We’re going to a concert on Saturday which I’m pretty stoked about and I’m going to get my skank on (of the dancing variety, I couldn’t pass for the other variety of skank as they have vastly more dignity by comparison.)

10. Listening to Cade talk about his women complications. He’s got one girl who he is super into but lives far away from. Then he’s got another who he lives close to but is less interested in, despite her being very interested in him and an overall very awesome girl. I talked to the other girl today for the first time and told her “You know Rachel all I ever do is listen to Cade talk about you, I think I know everything about you at this point. For example I know your favorite color, its blue.”
“No, it’s purple” she replied annoyed.
I glanced up at Cade and said into the phone “Wow Cade, you’re a terrible fucking boyfriend” then handed the phone back to him and laughed hysterically while he tried to explain to her that I was only joking. She seemed to have difficulty getting it and Cade stood there for a few minutes repeating to her “No I know it’s not blue!”